I’m leaving for good

I certainly hope Raven will seek some sort of spiritual guidance or help regarding this matter. There may be more in life to accomplish than what has already been done. If Raven has chosen to leave the physical vessel and find the spiritual self, it was life path driven. I am not a proponent of suicide, and firmly believe that we should try to stay in our perceived reality to learn as much as we possibly can. There are those that may disagree with me, however, I have researched the probability that soul ejection in this way is predetermined. Contracted if you will. I have dealt with this experience on a personal level, and have discovered things that make some universal sense out of painful perceptions. One of the interesting things I found was the numerology with Raven. Joined the forum 04-05-2018. 4 and 5 make nine. 2018 adds to 11. I also find interesting this was posted on the 11th day in the 11th month on an 11 year. 9 is a number of finality and judgment. 11 is an angelic number. Numerology is strong here and is also happening on the other side of a new moon. Numbers, astrology, eclipses, and moon phases offer the best opportunities for soul inflection. This is often a universal destiny, yet the organism is usually unaware until the actual time of departure. Our perceived reality and accepted cultural experiences encourage an organism to stay and see what more is to be offered. Our perception dictates sadness, loss, guilt, and regret. If the life path of the soul was followed, even not knowing Raven on a personal level, we will meet in the inner soul world. As will we all, for we are all one.

I debated making this post for the last week and have decided to make it. I’ll keep it as short and concise as possible, but I am not the best at explaining my thoughts so it may be a bit messy and and disjointed.

To put it simply, this will be my last post. I am leaving and will not be returning. I have grown so tired over the past year and have made the decision to rest for good. I wanted to make this post to thank you all for creating such a wonderful forum, both here and Skeptiko. This is one of the best places to discover information that I would not have found otherwise. The community is so welcoming and nice. Although not everyone always gets along, I have found it to be a great place to have civil discussions with both skeptics and proponents and those that lie in between. 

If it turns out the proponents are right, I hope to see you all on the other side. If not, I will not feel anything anymore and will not be in constant pain. Goodbye all and take care! 

Totally loved you Raven and I understand how you feel.  This is something of a shock and I really don't know what to say but I hope that whatever decision you make turns out to be the right one.

I really didn’t think I was going to be writing another post here, or any other forum. I’ll try to sum up what exactly happened and why I made the first post. The following will deal with a serious topic, so please don’t continue to read if this will trigger you.

The day I wrote this, I tried to kill myself. I attempted to bleed out by cutting my wrists in my bathtub. A young family member found me, and I will forever feel guilty and ashamed that they had to be the one to find me. I was obviously rushed to a hospital and sent to a mental institution immediately after. I had no say in anything, mainly being because I am still a minor. I can’t  say I had either a good or bad experience there. It was neutral. To be honest, it felt as if time stopped and I was in a dreamlike state the entire time I was kept there. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and the possibility of having BPD. 

I wrote a similar “suicide note” on every forum/ subreddit I’m apart of, which is about 8. I’m not entirely sure why I did. The only answer I can come up with is that I wanted the people who had brought joy to my life when it has so little of it, to know how much the communities means to me. The forums were apart of the small number of reasons that kept me living.

I’ve been home for a couple of days now. For those wanting good news, I’m afraid I have none. I don't have a sense of purpose, I don’t want to live, and I feel as empty as I did when I cut my wrists. The way I feel can be best described as,

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace

David Foster Wallace killed himself in 2008. I don't write this for a pity party or to depress others. I write this so if anyone else is feeling this way, I can say the only thing that might help: I understand how you feel.

I’m sorry if this was way too personal or depressing to read. I just thought you all deserved an answer and an update. Since I’m still alive I’ll stick around here, so you’ll be seeing me post from time to time. Peace

I really didn’t think I was going to be writing another post here, or any other forum. I’ll try to sum up what exactly happened and why I made the first post. The following will deal with a serious topic, so please don’t continue to read if this will trigger you.

The day I wrote this, I tried to kill myself. I attempted to bleed out by cutting my wrists in my bathtub. A young family member found me, and I will forever feel guilty and ashamed that they had to be the one to find me. I was obviously rushed to a hospital and sent to a mental institution immediately after. I had no say in anything, mainly being because I am still a minor. I can’t  say I had either a good or bad experience there. It was neutral. To be honest, it felt as if time stopped and I was in a dreamlike state the entire time I was kept there. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and the possibility of having BPD. 

I wrote a similar “suicide note” on every forum/ subreddit I’m apart of, which is about 8. I’m not entirely sure why I did. The only answer I can come up with is that I wanted the people who had brought joy to my life when it has so little of it, to know how much the communities means to me. The forums were apart of the small number of reasons that kept me living.

I’ve been home for a couple of days now. For those wanting good news, I’m afraid I have none. I don't have a sense of purpose, I don’t want to live, and I feel as empty as I did when I cut my wrists. The way I feel can be best described as,

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace

David Foster Wallace killed himself in 2008. I don't write this for a pity party or to depress others. I write this so if anyone else is feeling this way, I can say the only thing that might help: I understand how you feel.

I’m sorry if this was way too personal or depressing to read. I just thought you all deserved an answer and an update. Since I’m still alive I’ll stick around here, so you’ll be seeing me post from time to time. Peace

We're glad you're back!

I am sorry that you've been going through a lot. I sincerely hope you find purpose and joy in life. I don't know your exact situation, but I am very familiar with what you're going through. 

I'll say this: you write very intelligently, and I wouldn't have guessed you were a minor. I'll bet that you have the resources to accomplish whatever you set your mind on. 

I know it can be difficult to find the motivation to do anything if you feel like everything is meaningless and painful, but for what it's worth here's maybe a good place to start (giving some credit here to Jordan Peterson):

Take a look around you and recognize that everything around you and inside of you can be either better or worse than it is right now.
Decide whether you want things to become better or worse.
If you decide that you want things to be better, that is the seed of purpose and meaning.

Look around you and find a handful of very small things that you can do right now, today, to make the things around you better.
Find one thing that you can improve in your environment, one thing you can improve in yourself, and one way you can help someone else or brighten their day, and get it done before you go to sleep today. Don't be too ambitious, but just start somewhere, anywhere... maybe just making your bed, or cleaning your room... lol

Maybe you tell that young family member who found you that you love them and care about them. Don't feel sad and ashamed for that anymore. Life can be very painful, so nobody should fault you for wanting out. We all want out sometimes. We all (or most of us) look forward to death sometimes. So don't look back with shame. Move forward to bigger and better things. I'm looking forward to dying myself, but I want to make sure that I got done everything that I wanted to do first.

If you do a handful of small things each day that make things a little bit better, they will begin to add up exponentially. You'll begin to feel a little bit better about life and new opportunities will begin to present themselves to you. New goals will start to form in your mind. Be constantly thinking about your goals... what do you want to happen? Why do you want it to happen? What would be the results of it happening? Set goals of all sizes big and small... things that you want to do in the next 5 minutes, things you want to do today. Things you want to see happen in the next week, the next year, and things you want to happen before you die. Seeing your goals get accomplished brings happiness.

Asking what is the ultimate meaning of life might be a meaningless question... it might be like asking, "where does the sun set?" There's no answer, but right now the sun is up, it is light out, and life is happening, and there are things to do. See where life takes you. Decide where you want life to go and go there. That is your meaning and purpose in life. It is impossible to know how rare or common the experience of life that you're having right now actually is, but whether common or rare, it does seem to be unique, so this is your chance to make something new and different and better.

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox, and I wish you all the best. We're glad you're back.

Wish I could write more here but I have little time before I have to set off for work so I'll just say I am really pleased you are still with us Raven.  Hang on in there and prepare for yourself things to look forward to along the way and enjoy them when they come about.  (If you are able to of course - I understand that advice is often hard to swallow in these situations!)  Wish I could help more.

I really didn’t think I was going to be writing another post here, or any other forum. I’ll try to sum up what exactly happened and why I made the first post. The following will deal with a serious topic, so please don’t continue to read if this will trigger you.

The day I wrote this, I tried to kill myself. I attempted to bleed out by cutting my wrists in my bathtub. A young family member found me, and I will forever feel guilty and ashamed that they had to be the one to find me. I was obviously rushed to a hospital and sent to a mental institution immediately after. I had no say in anything, mainly being because I am still a minor. I can’t  say I had either a good or bad experience there. It was neutral. To be honest, it felt as if time stopped and I was in a dreamlike state the entire time I was kept there. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and the possibility of having BPD. 

I wrote a similar “suicide note” on every forum/ subreddit I’m apart of, which is about 8. I’m not entirely sure why I did. The only answer I can come up with is that I wanted the people who had brought joy to my life when it has so little of it, to know how much the communities means to me. The forums were apart of the small number of reasons that kept me living.

I’ve been home for a couple of days now. For those wanting good news, I’m afraid I have none. I don't have a sense of purpose, I don’t want to live, and I feel as empty as I did when I cut my wrists. The way I feel can be best described as,

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace

David Foster Wallace killed himself in 2008. I don't write this for a pity party or to depress others. I write this so if anyone else is feeling this way, I can say the only thing that might help: I understand how you feel.

I’m sorry if this was way too personal or depressing to read. I just thought you all deserved an answer and an update. Since I’m still alive I’ll stick around here, so you’ll be seeing me post from time to time. Peace

I'm new to this forum, so I read your original message followed almost immediately by your explanation.

After reading your first message, I thought that you might be suffering from terminal cancer, or something similar, and I think taking a quick exit in that situation may be the best option. However, clearly you are young, and a lot of people like you on this forum, so I imagine even more people like you in real life.

Unlike, I suppose, most people, those on this forum realise that our lives are probably part of a much bigger reality. However nobody can say they honestly know what that larger reality is - we can speculate, and I am sure you do too, but I think we can be pretty sure that we are here for some reason. It is only the most ardent materialists who think that we have no purpose - indeed that nothing has a purpose - basically because they can't see how purpose, meaning, love, fits into their equations! Even most of those people seem to only believe materialism superficially - they still find their own lives worth living - they only take the materialist position to its ultimate bleak conclusion if pushed really hard.

Since you are anonymous here, I think it gives you a grand opportunity to write about what has really gone wrong in your life - nobody will laugh, or dismiss anything you say.

There could be many possibilities:

Abuse - either sexual or physical.

Drugs/alcohol

Relationship problems

Bullying in school (something I experienced)

Hearing voices

Worries about the bleak materialist world view (having read your introduction, maybe that is the most likely)

Depression without any specific problem

Obviously it would be best to discuss your problems with a good psychiatrist, but I suppose not all of them are that good, or can't spend enough time with you, so talking it through with people here might help.

Whatever your problems, I think if you explain them a bit more, all the people here who love you, will be able to help you recover.

Edit: I notice this forum has a private message facility - so if there is someone you trust here, why not send them a message. You are welcome to contact me as well - I am not a psychiatrist!