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RE: I’m leaving for good 2018-11-26, 02:39 AM 11
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I’m leaving for good Psience Quest Specific
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I really didn’t think I was going to be writing another post here, or any other forum. I’ll try to sum up what exactly happened and why I made the first post. The following will deal with a serious topic, so please don’t continue to read if this will trigger you. The day I wrote this, I tried to kill myself. I attempted to bleed out by cutting my wrists in my bathtub. A young family member found me, and I will forever feel guilty and ashamed that they had to be the one to find me. I was obviously rushed to a hospital and sent to a mental institution immediately after. I had no say in anything, mainly being because I am still a minor. I can’t  say I had either a good or bad experience there. It was neutral. To be honest, it felt as if time stopped and I was in a dreamlike state the entire time I was kept there. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and the possibility of having BPD.  I wrote a similar “suicide note” on every forum/ subreddit I’m apart of, which is about 8. I’m not entirely sure why I did. The only answer I can come up with is that I wanted the people who had brought joy to my life when it has so little of it, to know how much the communities means to me. The forums were apart of the small number of reasons that kept me living. I’ve been home for a couple of days now. For those wanting good news, I’m afraid I have none. I don't have a sense of purpose, I don’t want to live, and I feel as empty as I did when I cut my wrists. The way I feel can be best described as, “The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace David Foster Wallace killed himself in 2008. I don't write this for a pity party or to depress others. I write this so if anyone else is feeling this way, I can say the only thing that might help: I understand how you feel. I’m sorry if this was way too personal or depressing to read. I just thought you all deserved an answer and an update. Since I’m still alive I’ll stick around here, so you’ll be seeing me post from time to time. Peace:Rose:

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