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2024-07-11, 04:58 AM
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About me:
Hurmanetar - "her-man-eh-tar" (call me Hurm)... a celtic superhero version of Gilgamesh from the Kolbrin - the "lightbringer" mountain man and all-around badass driven by curiosity and love who forces his way into the sphere of death and returns alive.

The current profile pic is Mr. Whiskers, the psychic kitty of Frankenweenie fame:

Residing somewhere in the great Republic of Texas, I'm happily married with 4 dogs, 2 cats, and 3 turtles.
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Hurmanetar's Most Liked Post
Post Subject Post Date/Time Numbers of Likes
RE: I’m leaving for good 2018-11-26, 07:59 PM 13
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I’m leaving for good Psience Quest Specific
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TheRaven Wrote: (2018-11-26, 02:39 AM) -- I really didn’t think I was going to be writing another post here, or any other forum. I’ll try to sum up what exactly happened and why I made the first post. The following will deal with a serious topic, so please don’t continue to read if this will trigger you. The day I wrote this, I tried to kill myself. I attempted to bleed out by cutting my wrists in my bathtub. A young family member found me, and I will forever feel guilty and ashamed that they had to be the one to find me. I was obviously rushed to a hospital and sent to a mental institution immediately after. I had no say in anything, mainly being because I am still a minor. I can’t  say I had either a good or bad experience there. It was neutral. To be honest, it felt as if time stopped and I was in a dreamlike state the entire time I was kept there. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and the possibility of having BPD.  I wrote a similar “suicide note” on every forum/ subreddit I’m apart of, which is about 8. I’m not entirely sure why I did. The only answer I can come up with is that I wanted the people who had brought joy to my life when it has so little of it, to know how much the communities means to me. The forums were apart of the small number of reasons that kept me living. I’ve been home for a couple of days now. For those wanting good news, I’m afraid I have none. I don't have a sense of purpose, I don’t want to live, and I feel as empty as I did when I cut my wrists. The way I feel can be best described as, “The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” -David Foster Wallace David Foster Wallace killed himself in 2008. I don't write this for a pity party or to depress others. I write this so if anyone else is feeling this way, I can say the only thing that might help: I understand how you feel. I’m sorry if this was way too personal or depressing to read. I just thought you all deserved an answer and an update. Since I’m still alive I’ll stick around here, so you’ll be seeing me post from time to time. Peace:Rose: -- We're glad you're back! :) I am sorry that you've been going through a lot. I sincerely hope you find purpose and joy in life. I don't know your exact situation, but I am very familiar with what you're going through.  I'll say this: you write very intelligently, and I wouldn't have guessed you were a minor. I'll bet that you have the resources to accomplish whatever you set your mind on.  I know it can be difficult to find the motivation to do anything if you feel like everything is meaningless and painful, but for what it's worth here's maybe a good place to start (giving some credit here to Jordan Peterson): Take a look around you and recognize that everything around you and inside of you can be either better or worse than it is right now. Decide whether you want things to become better or worse. If you decide that you want things to be better, that is the seed of purpose and meaning. Look around you and find a handful of very small things that you can do right now, today, to make the things around you better. Find one thing that you can improve in your environment, one thing you can improve in yourself, and one way you can help someone else or brighten their day, and get it done before you go to sleep today. Don't be too ambitious, but just start somewhere, anywhere... maybe just making your bed, or cleaning your room... lol Maybe you tell that young family member who found you that you love them and care about them. Don't feel sad and ashamed for that anymore. Life can be very painful, so nobody should fault you for wanting out. We all want out sometimes. We all (or most of us) look forward to death sometimes. So don't look back with shame. Move forward to bigger and better things. I'm looking forward to dying myself, but I want to make sure that I got done everything that I wanted to do first. If you do a handful of small things each day that make things a little bit better, they will begin to add up exponentially. You'll begin to feel a little bit better about life and new opportunities will begin to present themselves to you. New goals will start to form in your mind. Be constantly thinking about your goals... what do you want to happen? Why do you want it to happen? What would be the results of it happening? Set goals of all sizes big and small... things that you want to do in the next 5 minutes, things you want to do today. Things you want to see happen in the next week, the next year, and things you want to happen before you die. Seeing your goals get accomplished brings happiness. Asking what is the ultimate meaning of life might be a meaningless question... it might be like asking, "where does the sun set?" There's no answer, but right now the sun is up, it is light out, and life is happening, and there are things to do. See where life takes you. Decide where you want life to go and go there. That is your meaning and purpose in life. It is impossible to know how rare or common the experience of life that you're having right now actually is, but whether common or rare, it does seem to be unique, so this is your chance to make something new and different and better. Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox, and I wish you all the best. We're glad you're back.

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