I’ve been working through my various emotional issues for a number of months now and feel like I’ve managed to whittle things down to what is probably my very core issue. My relationship with power. In short, I’m constantly scared that I don’t have enough, which comes from a myriad of personal experiences where that seemed to be the case. This is strongly intertwined with my issues regarding other people’s suffering, which stems from my general hatred and rejection of reality, which I blame for all of it. Rejecting, specifically, reality’s apparent chaoticness and arbitrary limitations which leads to needless, unjustifiable suffering and overall torment for every living thing.
My entire reason for caring about magic sources from a single moment, very early in my existence, where in short, I was a starving child looking for food who had a realiztion that “this is just how it is” and then I snapped and rejected that entire premise simply because I didn’t like it for how unfair it was. Which, ever since then, even through induced amnesia, has left me with a undying desire to fight against reality. Which translated almost exclusively into fighting against any sort of oppression and seeking greater and greater power and skill through magic. Through a large amount of experience stemming from that, I’ve come to believe that power is everything.
However the psychological damage I’ve incurred through trying to save people from what I see as unjust suffering to prevent them from “becoming like me” has taken its toll not just on me, but on all the people closest to me as well. I’ve learned that my view on power is logically incoherent at this stage, that I need to get to the point where I no longer care about it. This has proven so far to be impossible. It’s true that no matter how much power you have, you never have any at all. Thus even in my current, physically disabled, non magical state, I’m no different than I would be if I had full access to my abilities. And thus even if I did suddenly start getting my magic to work physically, the same cycle would just repeat. I’d feel compelled to help other people because I can’t not see myself in them even when I try not to. I’d inevitably fail at some point, and blame myself for it, and vow to gain more power to prevent it from happening again. I’d take on tougher and tougher things, and make further mistakes, continue blaming myself, and continue seeking more power. Until I’d just snowball back into the same state I was before I incarnated here. Where the lengths I would go to to try saving and protecting other people become outright psychotic and suicidal and I started yo-yoing between the extremes of caring and not caring about others or myself. My ongoing attempts to break this pattern is what led to my decision at the end of Extraction.
As logically true as this is, I’m not any closer to processing this than when I started. My entire reason for seeking power comes from my rejection of the conclusion that power is illusory and that ultimately everything is due to random chance and external factors outside of my control. I reject the logic on principle, and will never become someone who “accepts” my lack of control, nor would I want anyone else to dehumanize themselves to such a degree. Despite this I know there’s some pathway towards integration that I just haven’t found yet.
However I’m writing this post for another reason, in that some of my recent seethings about reality and life reminded me of something very important that I’d forgotten about from earlier in this life when a lot of the paranormal stuff started for me. In short, pretty much everything that I’ve gone though ultimately sources back to one single person, whom I give the psuedonym Copper. She’s someone whom I’ve known in one way or another for an incredibly long period of time long before this life, and to say we don’t like each other is a grand understatement. Copper holds a major grudge against me, and in addition to lots and lots of stuff she did, not just to me but to Teal as well, she made it incredibly, explicitly clear that she wasn’t interested in killing me, she wanted to break my spirit and psychologically destroy me. And recently I couldn’t help but notice that the difficulties I’ve been having are almost exactly what she described wanting to put me through. At least the very early stages of it.
Now, I don’t actually think she’s responsible for any of that, she’s sort of been a non issue for a number of years now. But at the same time there’s a lot of reasons to think its at least possible that maybe she’s indirectly responsible for some parts of some things. But that’s going to require some explanation. I know I’ve mentioned Copper on this site before and mentioned in general that she’s incredibly significant in all of this, but I don’t think I’ve ever explained, in detail, why that is. So lets start from what she’s done in this life and maybe move on to the past context another time. What I will say about our past for now is that its a very long one and its been highly antagonistic pretty much the whole time.
The first time Copper showed up in this life that can confirm was a projection that I was forcibly pulled into in April 2010 by a spirt thing I nicknamed Wrath which had attempted to torment me via induced dreams for two weeks, night after night, in January of that year. After killing Wrath twice, during the very first dream of the series which was uniquely a “hyperlucid” dream, the first I’ve ever had. Killing it again at the end of the two weeks when I’d developed countermeasures to some of its seemingly psychic abilities, namely to forcibly induce emotions and paralyze.
Copper showed up during the encounter, protecting and seemingly working with Wrath, as well as trying to support Wrath’s story that really he was actually a spirit guide of mine, which I naturally didn’t believe. The encounter ended with her stabbing me through he heart from behind and slashing me down my back. Finishing with beheading me. When this threw me out of the projection, lesser versions of those injuring appeared on my body and made me confused as surely all of that had been in my mind and was just a bizarrely powerful for of daydream. This was the very first instance of teh Krueger Effect, specifically Type A.
Copper later showed up again, almost as an apparition though I knew I was only seeing her in my mind, and attempted to order me to perform a neutral task that I won’t describe here. During this I felt a subtle buzzing in the back of my head near the base of my skull and a strong, unnatural compulsion to do what she said. But seemingly because of this I continually asked her questions about why I was suppiosed to do it and it took me awhile before I finally complied. The next day she pulled me into another projection where she attacked me, seemingly because her attempts at manipualtion the day before had failed. I was able to get out because I got a text message, and the sound and maybe even the EMF helped me mentally tug myself out. I was left with physical grip marks on my throat from that encounter.
She pulled me into another projection and attacked me. A couple friends managed to intervene and we eventually drove her off. However she managed to seemingly inject Wrath directly into me, who proceded to destabilize me internally until I ended up finding and killing him for the last time (to date) in mid to late June or July 2010. I can’t remember the specific date, I only remember that it was notable because it was the last day of the Calgary Stampede for that year. I assume that’s how it happened because of odd things that happened after that encounter, specifically after one particular time she managed to stab me and the look she had in her eyes and how she was holding her hand after she pulled away. It just seemed strange to me. Ultimately I don’t really know and have no way to really prove it, but that’s what I go with.
She hijacked numerous projections and dreams of mine to try manipulating me or to attack me. It was during these that she told me explicitly that she wanted me to suffer, not die.
She was apparently captured and detained by others under circumstances I’m not fully aware of. I projected and visited her one time, she claimed to have projected from her holding area to Teal to “check out the new girl” But claimed Teal might not experience it herself for a year or so. Which was a common claim by various spirits about their induced dreams or projections, that time was not truly synchronous between them and us. I would argue that this claim has more than a little evidence to back it up at this point. Like the time I learned elderberries were real. Despite never telling Teal about this she eventually described the dream that Copper had told me she’d sent and remarked that from her perspective it didn’t feel like Copper was fighting seriously but was just sort of messing around. The dream also occurred within the time range that Copper quoted me.
After this incident other people apparently made the decision to put Copper into a medically induced coma to prevent her from projecting or using any other form of magic while detained. Despite this she hijacked one last dream of mine. During an eleva tor ride in the dream with two soliders I felt the entire dream shift and the floor the doors opened on was not where it should have. Copper swiftly attacked the two soliders and killed them, then told me to relax because they were just constructs of the dream. She said she wasn’t there for a fight. When I asked her what the hell she wanted, she said that she was bored and just wanted to hang out. I was very anxious and totally on guard, but true to her word she never attacked and we did just sort of hang out in the same room together. Didn’t really talk much or anything.
Afterwads I informed my friends about this, to which they were surpised, saying that that shouldn’t’ve been possible due to the coma, but it happened anyways so they needed to take further measures. Making the decision to sealing her energy to prevent any and all magic along with keeping her in the coma. After this there’s been no direct incidences with her.
However there were a couple incidences with what seemed like contingency plans she left behind in case something like that were to happen to her. One pulled me into a projection in, I think march 2015 or so, I don’t remember exactly. It was a sort of holographic clone that seemed to contain a shard of her soul or something which seemed to activate due to some sort of criteria being met. This left me concerned that she had left herself a means to break herself out of “jail” in the even t she was captured. This anxiety persisted because I never really knew the circumstances of her alleged capture and have always wondered if it ever really happened or if it was just another illusion on her part to try to taking attention off of her so she could escape.
And now there’s now an ongoing situation that might be another one of these if not worse. About a month ago Teal’s tablet pen mysteriously went missing at a somewhat auspicious time. She absolutely needs that pen in order to do her art. She claims that the pen had been put in the spot it always goes and then it just disappeared, and despite tearing her whole room apart multiple times there’s no sign of it, and she was forced to order another pen. The main thing that makes me wonder if this could just be normal misplacement is that some changes from her normal routine were happening during the time the pen went missing and she has a historical tendency of misplacing things. Though she says that despite that she’d placed the pen back in the one spot it always is when she doesn’t use it and that its as if it just plain disappeared.
The second thing happened a couple days ago in the middle of the night, around 1am or so, as she got out of bed to tell me about it. Her heating pad which she says she needs in order to keep warm at night mysteriously lost its cloth cover that she has never removed, and furthermore, the electrical prongs were both bent inwards to a degree that made it impossible to plug in. Though she managed to wrench them back into a position where she could get it to plug back in, but the cloth cover was nowhere to be found, making the heating pad a little unsafe to use.
She was disturbed by this because there was absolutely no sound when this seemingly occurred, she said she noticed it because she had looked over at it laying on the floor and thought there was something odd about it. Furthermore neither of us felt any energy whatsoever. She interpreted this as meaning that something rather high level was involved, and noted that nothing has haunted us for a long time because “There’s a proven track record of what happens”. I.e, anything that’s been hostile around here has died. The fact that neither of us felt anything at all is part of why I wonder if there’s a more normal explanation for this. She tends to jump to conclusions faster than me and isn’t always correct so I wonder if the heating pad cover is really as missing as she believed at the time. It wouldn’t surprise me if she found it later and surmised that it just slipped off somehow. I’ve also had plugs seemingly bend inwards for no reason to the point they wouldn’t plug in again and it never seemed paranormal at all. Though not to the degree she described. However I do admit that it could also very easily mean that its just as she suspects, something that really knows what its doing, and knows how to mask and suppress its energy to avoid detection was involved. As its not just us it would have to fool.
Nonetheless I remained skeptical about it, and told myself that I’d wait and see if more things happened or especially if things started happening to me before deciding if there’s really anything paranormal happening.
Well yesterday I was reflecting on a recent comment of mine in another thread and how callous I was. Something about that jogged my memory back to what Copper had told me about how she wanted to break me and I couldn’t help but notice that I was starting to go down the exact path she said she wanted to push me down. I reflected on a lot of things, including my “past” memories of her and the many, many things she’s done to me and others. Thinking about how it has seemed like her desire was to totally erase “me”, or at least the me that still exists right now, by completely changing my entire worldview into something far more callous, sadistic and cruel. I.e, a worldview more like her own. And how this would be the ultimate humiliation not just to the current me, but my friends. As I would inevitably turn against them if I continued down this path, and Scarlet and Yellow in particular would likely become heartbroken and distraught at what I’d become as I’d never be able to return.
It made me reflect on my suspicions on Copper’s trauma’s that I think have contributed to the path she’s taken, and certain events where she very clearly has some sort of bizarre emotional attachment to me. A time where she tried to “help” me in her own incredibly sadistic, twisted way that I will probably never elaborate on that left me with a fear of women. I sort of felt sorry for her, despite everything she’s done. I found it rather ridiculous that I was willing to try and understand and forgive someone who has in the past directly committed genocide for fun, but I wasn’t willing to try and understand someone who still believed in voting.
When I realized all this it sort of triggered something in me that made me vow to change myself back to who I really am and want to be, which is not someone who refuses to empathize with others. And this is what prompted me to start writing this post yesterday. I originally was going to include the entire history that I can remember about Copper but recent occurrences have made me change my plans on that. Sorry if this post seems a little janky because of that. I got concerned about my willingness to sympathize with her, as it seemed as though it could be a legitimate case of Stockholm Syndrome. So I decided I’d shelve any sympathy I might think I have for her for the moment.
I wondered how she’d react to me figuring this out if she was able to. On one hand I thought she’d be angry, but for some reason I felt as though she’d actually be happy and excited as now “the game can continue”. As if this was another one of those instances where she was trying to “help” me by trying to do this to me and me noticing and rejecting it would be good to her.
As I continued thinking about her and all this I started to feel a slowly increasing pressure about her, as if I in a sense couldn’t get her out of my feelings. Eventually I gave into this feeling and started imagining her and started talking to what I believed was just my own visualized concept of her as a means to work through the issues I was bringing up. Eventually i laid down on my bed for this, it was a very vivid visualation, the most vivid I’ve had in years. Then, during one exchange, she quipped “Oh, do you think this is just in you mind?” and pulled out a knife and pressed its tip into my chest, right over my heart, just a centimetre or so. Simultaneously, I felt the energy of it piecing into my physical body as the unmistakable Krueger Effect. This very, very much got my attention. She continued talking, keeping the knife in my chest. I tried reasoning to myself that this was still somehow just me talking to myself and maybe at most this was a sort of tulpa like situation. But she claimed it wasn’t the case and that she was basically doing this for pure intimidation and fun. Pushing the knife in a little deeper as I stammered along in the conversation. The effect on my physical body followed suit.
I couldn’t do anything about it, any move I’d make would’ve easily just had her shove the knife the rest of the way in before I could act so I just laid there and kept talking. She also did this to my throat, but she didn’t push that blade in nearly as far. She claimed she’d give me more proof that this is real in my dreams and in time and eventually she left. The Type B injuries lingered. I still don’t fully know what to make of it, the entity didn’t really feel like her, or at least it didn’t feel like all of her, it felt hollow, and as much as it’d be easy to say its another one of those shard clone things I just don’t know. It’s been hard to shake the idea that somehow it was still just my own mind or a tulpa like thing.
Well, although my dreams last night were a little more vivid they didn’t have anything in them that I’d call proof. However, today I had a rather interesting Dungeons and Dragons session. I got into DnD a few months ago because I thought it might be a good idea to make a character that is more or less just me as a form of therapy, to see if roleplaying this character in a different environment in situations that are in a sense similar to things I know might help me work through certain things emotionally. And to that end it’s been surprisingly effective. I’m sure no one would be surprised that I made a wizard.
Well today's session just so happened to focus quite a lot on my character by design, something the DM apologized for at the end of the session. In this session my character ended up meeting up with his contact after an extended period outside of the city, who is a woman who seems to very clearly have a romantic interest in him, who also happens to be part of a local devil worshipping cult. It is not clear if she is genuine about this or if its more of a long con. However, based on the insight rolls and seemingly other things the DM has said, my character believes it to be genuine and it certainly seems to be. Well in this session she catches him up on all the crazy things that have been happening in the city since he’s been gone. He brings up the fact that property he’s recently come into now has imps around it, as one of them attacked and killed his familiar and was spotted by a member of the party for a split second doing so. The whole area is apparently unnaturally tainted now, which it wasn’t before. And my character asked her if she just so happened to know why that would be, given the whole devil worshipping thing and all. To which she denied any knowledge. Furthermore the two of them go on a date, where she gives him a statuette that causes him to have a very strange dream that night, where he’s asked by a very finely dressed man what his greatest desire is, To which my character responds “Power”. When he wakes up there’s a personally inscribed scoll tube with a powerful spell, written in infernal (which he can read).
When he goes back to her to fence a whole bunch of goods he brings up the strange dream and the scroll when they’re alone, to which she beams and explains how the statuette worked as a conduit to allow their patron to talk to him, and asks him if he’d like to come to the next meeting with her. To which my character basically feels like he has no choice but to, as he’s effectively entrapped, and refusal would very likely have severe consequences that he would be totally unable to resist.
Now, I’d really, really like to chalk this up to pure coincidence, but it’s just a little too metaphorically on the nose and timely for me to ignore completely. It doesn’t help that yesterday, when I got stabbed, was also halloween, just to add to all of it. And although I am treating it like pure coincidence for the moment I can’t deny that this is something that Copper is absolutely capable of doing and would totally do as an extra trollish means to unnerve me. Naturally I will not mention anything like this to the DM, though if he ever offhandedly mentions any strange feelings, dreams, compulsions, etc that he had in preparation for that session I will certainly take note of them.
So, yeah, I’m a little bit on edge right now and I suspect that my next few months are going to be rather interesting and possibly life and soul threatening. The wound on my chest still hurts quite a lot and sometimes makes it hard to breathe, and it feels as if it somehow pierced right through me, and out through my shoulder. As if there was a wispy residue of energy trailing off the tip of her knife, The wound on my throat feels mostly healed though. Somehow though I’m also excited for this as insane as that sounds. I can’t really explain it, but the prospect of having to fight her, even though I know I’m in no condition to, makes me feel like somehow progress is going to be made or something. Nonetheless I will see if I can keep you guys posted on this, I’m also hoping that this actually isn’t paranormal, though I feel like I’ve already passed that point.
My entire reason for caring about magic sources from a single moment, very early in my existence, where in short, I was a starving child looking for food who had a realiztion that “this is just how it is” and then I snapped and rejected that entire premise simply because I didn’t like it for how unfair it was. Which, ever since then, even through induced amnesia, has left me with a undying desire to fight against reality. Which translated almost exclusively into fighting against any sort of oppression and seeking greater and greater power and skill through magic. Through a large amount of experience stemming from that, I’ve come to believe that power is everything.
However the psychological damage I’ve incurred through trying to save people from what I see as unjust suffering to prevent them from “becoming like me” has taken its toll not just on me, but on all the people closest to me as well. I’ve learned that my view on power is logically incoherent at this stage, that I need to get to the point where I no longer care about it. This has proven so far to be impossible. It’s true that no matter how much power you have, you never have any at all. Thus even in my current, physically disabled, non magical state, I’m no different than I would be if I had full access to my abilities. And thus even if I did suddenly start getting my magic to work physically, the same cycle would just repeat. I’d feel compelled to help other people because I can’t not see myself in them even when I try not to. I’d inevitably fail at some point, and blame myself for it, and vow to gain more power to prevent it from happening again. I’d take on tougher and tougher things, and make further mistakes, continue blaming myself, and continue seeking more power. Until I’d just snowball back into the same state I was before I incarnated here. Where the lengths I would go to to try saving and protecting other people become outright psychotic and suicidal and I started yo-yoing between the extremes of caring and not caring about others or myself. My ongoing attempts to break this pattern is what led to my decision at the end of Extraction.
As logically true as this is, I’m not any closer to processing this than when I started. My entire reason for seeking power comes from my rejection of the conclusion that power is illusory and that ultimately everything is due to random chance and external factors outside of my control. I reject the logic on principle, and will never become someone who “accepts” my lack of control, nor would I want anyone else to dehumanize themselves to such a degree. Despite this I know there’s some pathway towards integration that I just haven’t found yet.
However I’m writing this post for another reason, in that some of my recent seethings about reality and life reminded me of something very important that I’d forgotten about from earlier in this life when a lot of the paranormal stuff started for me. In short, pretty much everything that I’ve gone though ultimately sources back to one single person, whom I give the psuedonym Copper. She’s someone whom I’ve known in one way or another for an incredibly long period of time long before this life, and to say we don’t like each other is a grand understatement. Copper holds a major grudge against me, and in addition to lots and lots of stuff she did, not just to me but to Teal as well, she made it incredibly, explicitly clear that she wasn’t interested in killing me, she wanted to break my spirit and psychologically destroy me. And recently I couldn’t help but notice that the difficulties I’ve been having are almost exactly what she described wanting to put me through. At least the very early stages of it.
Now, I don’t actually think she’s responsible for any of that, she’s sort of been a non issue for a number of years now. But at the same time there’s a lot of reasons to think its at least possible that maybe she’s indirectly responsible for some parts of some things. But that’s going to require some explanation. I know I’ve mentioned Copper on this site before and mentioned in general that she’s incredibly significant in all of this, but I don’t think I’ve ever explained, in detail, why that is. So lets start from what she’s done in this life and maybe move on to the past context another time. What I will say about our past for now is that its a very long one and its been highly antagonistic pretty much the whole time.
The first time Copper showed up in this life that can confirm was a projection that I was forcibly pulled into in April 2010 by a spirt thing I nicknamed Wrath which had attempted to torment me via induced dreams for two weeks, night after night, in January of that year. After killing Wrath twice, during the very first dream of the series which was uniquely a “hyperlucid” dream, the first I’ve ever had. Killing it again at the end of the two weeks when I’d developed countermeasures to some of its seemingly psychic abilities, namely to forcibly induce emotions and paralyze.
Copper showed up during the encounter, protecting and seemingly working with Wrath, as well as trying to support Wrath’s story that really he was actually a spirit guide of mine, which I naturally didn’t believe. The encounter ended with her stabbing me through he heart from behind and slashing me down my back. Finishing with beheading me. When this threw me out of the projection, lesser versions of those injuring appeared on my body and made me confused as surely all of that had been in my mind and was just a bizarrely powerful for of daydream. This was the very first instance of teh Krueger Effect, specifically Type A.
Copper later showed up again, almost as an apparition though I knew I was only seeing her in my mind, and attempted to order me to perform a neutral task that I won’t describe here. During this I felt a subtle buzzing in the back of my head near the base of my skull and a strong, unnatural compulsion to do what she said. But seemingly because of this I continually asked her questions about why I was suppiosed to do it and it took me awhile before I finally complied. The next day she pulled me into another projection where she attacked me, seemingly because her attempts at manipualtion the day before had failed. I was able to get out because I got a text message, and the sound and maybe even the EMF helped me mentally tug myself out. I was left with physical grip marks on my throat from that encounter.
She pulled me into another projection and attacked me. A couple friends managed to intervene and we eventually drove her off. However she managed to seemingly inject Wrath directly into me, who proceded to destabilize me internally until I ended up finding and killing him for the last time (to date) in mid to late June or July 2010. I can’t remember the specific date, I only remember that it was notable because it was the last day of the Calgary Stampede for that year. I assume that’s how it happened because of odd things that happened after that encounter, specifically after one particular time she managed to stab me and the look she had in her eyes and how she was holding her hand after she pulled away. It just seemed strange to me. Ultimately I don’t really know and have no way to really prove it, but that’s what I go with.
She hijacked numerous projections and dreams of mine to try manipulating me or to attack me. It was during these that she told me explicitly that she wanted me to suffer, not die.
She was apparently captured and detained by others under circumstances I’m not fully aware of. I projected and visited her one time, she claimed to have projected from her holding area to Teal to “check out the new girl” But claimed Teal might not experience it herself for a year or so. Which was a common claim by various spirits about their induced dreams or projections, that time was not truly synchronous between them and us. I would argue that this claim has more than a little evidence to back it up at this point. Like the time I learned elderberries were real. Despite never telling Teal about this she eventually described the dream that Copper had told me she’d sent and remarked that from her perspective it didn’t feel like Copper was fighting seriously but was just sort of messing around. The dream also occurred within the time range that Copper quoted me.
After this incident other people apparently made the decision to put Copper into a medically induced coma to prevent her from projecting or using any other form of magic while detained. Despite this she hijacked one last dream of mine. During an eleva tor ride in the dream with two soliders I felt the entire dream shift and the floor the doors opened on was not where it should have. Copper swiftly attacked the two soliders and killed them, then told me to relax because they were just constructs of the dream. She said she wasn’t there for a fight. When I asked her what the hell she wanted, she said that she was bored and just wanted to hang out. I was very anxious and totally on guard, but true to her word she never attacked and we did just sort of hang out in the same room together. Didn’t really talk much or anything.
Afterwads I informed my friends about this, to which they were surpised, saying that that shouldn’t’ve been possible due to the coma, but it happened anyways so they needed to take further measures. Making the decision to sealing her energy to prevent any and all magic along with keeping her in the coma. After this there’s been no direct incidences with her.
However there were a couple incidences with what seemed like contingency plans she left behind in case something like that were to happen to her. One pulled me into a projection in, I think march 2015 or so, I don’t remember exactly. It was a sort of holographic clone that seemed to contain a shard of her soul or something which seemed to activate due to some sort of criteria being met. This left me concerned that she had left herself a means to break herself out of “jail” in the even t she was captured. This anxiety persisted because I never really knew the circumstances of her alleged capture and have always wondered if it ever really happened or if it was just another illusion on her part to try to taking attention off of her so she could escape.
And now there’s now an ongoing situation that might be another one of these if not worse. About a month ago Teal’s tablet pen mysteriously went missing at a somewhat auspicious time. She absolutely needs that pen in order to do her art. She claims that the pen had been put in the spot it always goes and then it just disappeared, and despite tearing her whole room apart multiple times there’s no sign of it, and she was forced to order another pen. The main thing that makes me wonder if this could just be normal misplacement is that some changes from her normal routine were happening during the time the pen went missing and she has a historical tendency of misplacing things. Though she says that despite that she’d placed the pen back in the one spot it always is when she doesn’t use it and that its as if it just plain disappeared.
The second thing happened a couple days ago in the middle of the night, around 1am or so, as she got out of bed to tell me about it. Her heating pad which she says she needs in order to keep warm at night mysteriously lost its cloth cover that she has never removed, and furthermore, the electrical prongs were both bent inwards to a degree that made it impossible to plug in. Though she managed to wrench them back into a position where she could get it to plug back in, but the cloth cover was nowhere to be found, making the heating pad a little unsafe to use.
She was disturbed by this because there was absolutely no sound when this seemingly occurred, she said she noticed it because she had looked over at it laying on the floor and thought there was something odd about it. Furthermore neither of us felt any energy whatsoever. She interpreted this as meaning that something rather high level was involved, and noted that nothing has haunted us for a long time because “There’s a proven track record of what happens”. I.e, anything that’s been hostile around here has died. The fact that neither of us felt anything at all is part of why I wonder if there’s a more normal explanation for this. She tends to jump to conclusions faster than me and isn’t always correct so I wonder if the heating pad cover is really as missing as she believed at the time. It wouldn’t surprise me if she found it later and surmised that it just slipped off somehow. I’ve also had plugs seemingly bend inwards for no reason to the point they wouldn’t plug in again and it never seemed paranormal at all. Though not to the degree she described. However I do admit that it could also very easily mean that its just as she suspects, something that really knows what its doing, and knows how to mask and suppress its energy to avoid detection was involved. As its not just us it would have to fool.
Nonetheless I remained skeptical about it, and told myself that I’d wait and see if more things happened or especially if things started happening to me before deciding if there’s really anything paranormal happening.
Well yesterday I was reflecting on a recent comment of mine in another thread and how callous I was. Something about that jogged my memory back to what Copper had told me about how she wanted to break me and I couldn’t help but notice that I was starting to go down the exact path she said she wanted to push me down. I reflected on a lot of things, including my “past” memories of her and the many, many things she’s done to me and others. Thinking about how it has seemed like her desire was to totally erase “me”, or at least the me that still exists right now, by completely changing my entire worldview into something far more callous, sadistic and cruel. I.e, a worldview more like her own. And how this would be the ultimate humiliation not just to the current me, but my friends. As I would inevitably turn against them if I continued down this path, and Scarlet and Yellow in particular would likely become heartbroken and distraught at what I’d become as I’d never be able to return.
It made me reflect on my suspicions on Copper’s trauma’s that I think have contributed to the path she’s taken, and certain events where she very clearly has some sort of bizarre emotional attachment to me. A time where she tried to “help” me in her own incredibly sadistic, twisted way that I will probably never elaborate on that left me with a fear of women. I sort of felt sorry for her, despite everything she’s done. I found it rather ridiculous that I was willing to try and understand and forgive someone who has in the past directly committed genocide for fun, but I wasn’t willing to try and understand someone who still believed in voting.
When I realized all this it sort of triggered something in me that made me vow to change myself back to who I really am and want to be, which is not someone who refuses to empathize with others. And this is what prompted me to start writing this post yesterday. I originally was going to include the entire history that I can remember about Copper but recent occurrences have made me change my plans on that. Sorry if this post seems a little janky because of that. I got concerned about my willingness to sympathize with her, as it seemed as though it could be a legitimate case of Stockholm Syndrome. So I decided I’d shelve any sympathy I might think I have for her for the moment.
I wondered how she’d react to me figuring this out if she was able to. On one hand I thought she’d be angry, but for some reason I felt as though she’d actually be happy and excited as now “the game can continue”. As if this was another one of those instances where she was trying to “help” me by trying to do this to me and me noticing and rejecting it would be good to her.
As I continued thinking about her and all this I started to feel a slowly increasing pressure about her, as if I in a sense couldn’t get her out of my feelings. Eventually I gave into this feeling and started imagining her and started talking to what I believed was just my own visualized concept of her as a means to work through the issues I was bringing up. Eventually i laid down on my bed for this, it was a very vivid visualation, the most vivid I’ve had in years. Then, during one exchange, she quipped “Oh, do you think this is just in you mind?” and pulled out a knife and pressed its tip into my chest, right over my heart, just a centimetre or so. Simultaneously, I felt the energy of it piecing into my physical body as the unmistakable Krueger Effect. This very, very much got my attention. She continued talking, keeping the knife in my chest. I tried reasoning to myself that this was still somehow just me talking to myself and maybe at most this was a sort of tulpa like situation. But she claimed it wasn’t the case and that she was basically doing this for pure intimidation and fun. Pushing the knife in a little deeper as I stammered along in the conversation. The effect on my physical body followed suit.
I couldn’t do anything about it, any move I’d make would’ve easily just had her shove the knife the rest of the way in before I could act so I just laid there and kept talking. She also did this to my throat, but she didn’t push that blade in nearly as far. She claimed she’d give me more proof that this is real in my dreams and in time and eventually she left. The Type B injuries lingered. I still don’t fully know what to make of it, the entity didn’t really feel like her, or at least it didn’t feel like all of her, it felt hollow, and as much as it’d be easy to say its another one of those shard clone things I just don’t know. It’s been hard to shake the idea that somehow it was still just my own mind or a tulpa like thing.
Well, although my dreams last night were a little more vivid they didn’t have anything in them that I’d call proof. However, today I had a rather interesting Dungeons and Dragons session. I got into DnD a few months ago because I thought it might be a good idea to make a character that is more or less just me as a form of therapy, to see if roleplaying this character in a different environment in situations that are in a sense similar to things I know might help me work through certain things emotionally. And to that end it’s been surprisingly effective. I’m sure no one would be surprised that I made a wizard.
Well today's session just so happened to focus quite a lot on my character by design, something the DM apologized for at the end of the session. In this session my character ended up meeting up with his contact after an extended period outside of the city, who is a woman who seems to very clearly have a romantic interest in him, who also happens to be part of a local devil worshipping cult. It is not clear if she is genuine about this or if its more of a long con. However, based on the insight rolls and seemingly other things the DM has said, my character believes it to be genuine and it certainly seems to be. Well in this session she catches him up on all the crazy things that have been happening in the city since he’s been gone. He brings up the fact that property he’s recently come into now has imps around it, as one of them attacked and killed his familiar and was spotted by a member of the party for a split second doing so. The whole area is apparently unnaturally tainted now, which it wasn’t before. And my character asked her if she just so happened to know why that would be, given the whole devil worshipping thing and all. To which she denied any knowledge. Furthermore the two of them go on a date, where she gives him a statuette that causes him to have a very strange dream that night, where he’s asked by a very finely dressed man what his greatest desire is, To which my character responds “Power”. When he wakes up there’s a personally inscribed scoll tube with a powerful spell, written in infernal (which he can read).
When he goes back to her to fence a whole bunch of goods he brings up the strange dream and the scroll when they’re alone, to which she beams and explains how the statuette worked as a conduit to allow their patron to talk to him, and asks him if he’d like to come to the next meeting with her. To which my character basically feels like he has no choice but to, as he’s effectively entrapped, and refusal would very likely have severe consequences that he would be totally unable to resist.
Now, I’d really, really like to chalk this up to pure coincidence, but it’s just a little too metaphorically on the nose and timely for me to ignore completely. It doesn’t help that yesterday, when I got stabbed, was also halloween, just to add to all of it. And although I am treating it like pure coincidence for the moment I can’t deny that this is something that Copper is absolutely capable of doing and would totally do as an extra trollish means to unnerve me. Naturally I will not mention anything like this to the DM, though if he ever offhandedly mentions any strange feelings, dreams, compulsions, etc that he had in preparation for that session I will certainly take note of them.
So, yeah, I’m a little bit on edge right now and I suspect that my next few months are going to be rather interesting and possibly life and soul threatening. The wound on my chest still hurts quite a lot and sometimes makes it hard to breathe, and it feels as if it somehow pierced right through me, and out through my shoulder. As if there was a wispy residue of energy trailing off the tip of her knife, The wound on my throat feels mostly healed though. Somehow though I’m also excited for this as insane as that sounds. I can’t really explain it, but the prospect of having to fight her, even though I know I’m in no condition to, makes me feel like somehow progress is going to be made or something. Nonetheless I will see if I can keep you guys posted on this, I’m also hoping that this actually isn’t paranormal, though I feel like I’ve already passed that point.
"The cure for bad information is more information."
(This post was last modified: 2020-11-02, 09:15 PM by Mediochre.)
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