Why I know magic can be developed

I haven’t done a training update for awhile but wanted to go over my specific reasons why I know that magic of the level I’m trying to get is possible. I thought this should be it’s own thread because of that. Although I obviously can’t prove any of this to anyone and don’t expect anyone to believe it, I wanted to post it for my own sake anyways.


1: The Bully Dream – Technically a full transition, this dream was somewhere in 2012. In short, I was in my physical body and was confronted by one guy who mocked me for being “no different than the christians and lightworkers that I make fun of” because I was “just waiting for some powers to save [me]” while also attacking me. Referring to my belief at the time that, probably, the only way I was getting my magic back was via a very specific emotional trigger. Because once I was forced to accept in november 2011 that my failed merge attempt in october 2010 had done so much damage to my system that it’d destroyed everything I’d built up till that point, I really didn't know where to go from there. So I just believed that I’d tried and failed and that was that. Well that guy kept attacking me and I did my best to use magic and failed each time. Until at one point he shoved me backwards and the moment the shock of that combined with the reflexive tightening of all the muscles trying to keep myself from falling combined with the anger, depression, hatred, desperation, fear, and many other emotions something cracked inside me. Something physical and in the area of either the solar plexus or stomach if I remember correctly. And in that crack there was liquefied energy, and it started dissolving all the calcified energy around it, which in turn dissolved more, and more and more, creating a runaway reaction, and in a matter of seconds my whole body was overwhelmed with the sudden release of a huge amount of energy, to the point where it nearly made me pass out. Chunks of calcified energy would phase right through me intact and then explode outside my body as large sparks, practically mini lightning, until a number of seconds later everything was liquid. After that I had to fight him and his friend, won, and was left wondering if that sort of explosion could happen in real life. After the dream I noticed just how similar the pent up, calcified feeling in waking life was to the one in the dream.


2: The Machine Learning Snap – One night in summer 2016 I got really depressed after reading a bunch of stuff on Machine Learning. Being someone who cares a lot about self improvement and accomplishments who had yet to really accomplish anything in the real world despite all the effort I’d been putting into magic who was also going progressively more blind because of genetic bullshit... I wasn’t very happy. I outright hated the world but that’s not new. Went to bed and a spirit, one of the ones that was always around back then. asked me how I felt about all that. I told her it really didn’t matter how I felt because that’s how it was. Then she said “weeelllllllllllll.... just do it anyways.” So I did, I got really, really angry and all my energy flared up like it normally does. I was especially angry at the perpetual pent up feeling of calcified energy in my chest that never fully goes away no matter how hard I try, so I directed all my anger toward that. The energy began to dissolve, but not as a light, airy substance like normal but as an outright liquid. Drops would twirl before dripping off of me towards the ceiling feeling like they had the viscosity of warm honey. And it hurt, quite a bit, but I didn’t care. Moreover a chunk of calcified energy floated up from inside me and then got stuck just under the skin in the heart area. It couldn’t get out, it was, I guess, too dense. So it started sublimating, and little, by little, by little it, incredibly painfully, left through a tiny little pinprick hole in whatever this barrier was in my skin. A second shard floated up as well and it did much the same thing, except it didn’t stay in one place like the larger chunk, it sublimated while slowly drifting in a somewhat jagged path across my right peck. It felt like what I imagine getting tattooed feels like, constant high frequency stabbing. But again I was so angry at everything, so fed up with it all, I didn’t care. I probably released more energy in an hour during that than I had in the past 3 years or so of decalcification meditations. In the morning my girlfriend could plainly see the red marks of where those two chunks had outright burned me and it blew my fucking mind to see them myself. Through that experience I learned that, as much energy as I released then,it was a tiny amount compared to what was really there and now I could feel the rest of it. But I was left wondering about how it was possible for those chunks of energy to be able to float freely inside my body but somehow couldn’t make it past the skin. Because if I could get energy of that density between my hands, then I’m done, I’ve hit stage 2, I’ve achieved my goal and the real training can begin. Those chunks were certainly, obviously dense enough to cause plainly apparent physical effect given that the much, much less dense stuff that actually left my body was still powerful enough to burn me and leave obvious marks that lingered for several days.


3: More recently here in my training I reported that I had felt a strange crackling sensation on my palms that seemed to indicate that the barrier around them was weakening and I predicted that if things kept going that way it would eventually crack and become a hole similar to the one in my chest, well that did eventually happen as predicted not that long after I reported that. Although now the issue is the “pipes” leading to those holes are clogged. Still, what that demonstrated is that emotional refinement can affect whatever it was about/in my skin that was preventing large amounts of higher density energy out of my body. Furthermore I’ve sometimes felt the same weakening barrier crackling sensation in other parts of my body now. Typically my head, but very infrequently. In an effort to get over certain anxieties that I have I’ve done things like try to get back into projection and play a round of Space Station 13. In both cases the rejection of the anxiety caused a physical fracturing sensation in my torso, very much like what occurred in the bully dream but nowhere near as deep. Releasing a large amount of low density energy as a result and sometimes affecting my sleep patterns. Seemingly as part of this I’ve gotten a few instances of sudden surges that are akin to the pulling feeling I know from OBE. The point where you are no longer pushing to get out, momentum is just pulling you and it’s a fight to stay in, or get back in, your body. This is something I predicted while ago given how similar some of the general “stuff” between OBE’s, projection, dreams, poltergeisting, and magic are as per various other experiments and experiences of mine, some more replicable than others. It all looked like it was the same fundamental process and it’s only the application that changes. However these surges aren’t strong enough to complete the process on their own, usually lasting less than second, they feel more like I get tossed up and then fall back down again. Still, the fact that they happen is very interesting. These days the pent up feeling in my body feels more like a fight between one side that’s trying to pull me out like an OBE and another that’s reflexively fighting that, it’s very uncomfortable and annoying.




All these things (and more) together validate the idea that further emotional release is what is required to allow the same release of energy that occurred in the bully dream in the physical world. I know I have that amount of energy in my body, I know emotion can release it, and I know that emotion can also get rid of the barrier preventing it from getting outside my skin at high density. Combine this with the lesson of Gold’s Simulation and, to a lesser extent, the Mother’s Day Incident just to name the couple that I can currently reference on this site you start to get even more of a picture.


If I were to sum up what the requirements for release probably are it would be that I need to connect to myself. Something that many, may people on various planes have told me but that I really had no way of even thinking about until recently. I’ve been doing mental and emotional exercises trying to tap into my core but I’ve found it’s something I can’t grab onto directly like that. It isn’t a feeling that can be induced or a “knowing” of any sort. The best way I can describe it is as an ever present thing that is there whether you recognize it or not. To tap into it is not about me doing anything to get to it, it’s more about letting it come through on it’s own by not getting in its way. Once again following the psi pattern of “losing control to gain control” where everything must be approached indirectly, similar to certain quantum processes interestingly enough. I currently don’t know how to do that but I’m certainly working on it. It’s very frustrating being so close but so far for so long, but at the same time it’s starting to feel like success is more and more of a certainty.

Thanks for that post.

My comments come from researching what others have seemingly done along with a great deal of discussion, so take it for what its worth.

The path you are following seems to be one followed before you and although I am sure that there are other more gentle ways to achieve your goal, it is the way you have chosen and seems to suit your person-hood.

That said, the key seems to be internalised REPRESSED intense emotion and anger with a distracted mind to aim the focus. This seems to be why poltergeisting occurs in young quiet but unhappy teens.

Nina Kulagina from Russia stated as much as did the video's of her show it.

Thanks again for sharing.

Thanks for that post.

My comments come from researching what others have seemingly done along with a great deal of discussion, so take it for what its worth.

The path you are following seems to be one followed before you and although I am sure that there are other more gentle ways to achieve your goal, it is the way you have chosen and seems to suit your person-hood.

That said, the key seems to be internalised REPRESSED intense emotion and anger with a distracted mind to aim the focus. This seems to be why poltergeisting occurs in young quiet but unhappy teens.

Nina Kulagina from Russia stated as much as did the video's of her show it.

Thanks again for sharing.

Yeah I doubt I'm the first one to try this and there probably are other ways to do it but not for me. On the repressed emotion stuff, I have been putting together methods that ignore emotion because you can't induce the strong emotions required for practical level magic at will. I've catalogued most of what I've done here, and another explanation on general difficulties of psi here. 

I'm not really the gentle type, I'm not willing to accept any limitations. My girlfriend has described my energy as feeling like "Fire mixed with acid that's also on fire mixed with electrified needles". I find people seem to give up on psi too quickly because of how unstable it is, I was even told by a kung fu grandmaster that one of the reasons they only train chi use internally is because its both more powerful and more stable when it's inside you, which is true, but that's not a reason not to develop external techniques. One of the other reasons was because chi was used "primarily" for healing whereas I am trying to develop for a broader, physically utilitarian usecase which includes combat.

I'm pretty happy with what I've got so far, I have pretty good control, able to direct it at will without any special meditation or anything, the only thing holding me back is that not enough energy moves at once in a high enough density to do anything beyond some basic reiki and pretty good self healing. All the cacified energy gets in the way and slogs everything down. And then the barrier on my skin prevents whatever does get there from leaving me in any useable way.

Yeah I doubt I'm the first one to try this and there probably are other ways to do it but not for me. On the repressed emotion stuff, I have been putting together methods that ignore emotion because you can't induce the strong emotions required for practical level magic at will. I've catalogued most of what I've done here, and another explanation on general difficulties of psi here. 

I'm not really the gentle type, I'm not willing to accept any limitations. My girlfriend has described my energy as feeling like "Fire mixed with acid that's also on fire mixed with electrified needles". I find people seem to give up on psi too quickly because of how unstable it is, I was even told by a kung fu grandmaster that one of the reasons they only train chi use internally is because its both more powerful and more stable when it's inside you, which is true, but that's not a reason not to develop external techniques. One of the other reasons was because chi was used "primarily" for healing whereas I am trying to develop for a broader, physically utilitarian usecase which includes combat.

I'm pretty happy with what I've got so far, I have pretty good control, able to direct it at will without any special meditation or anything, the only thing holding me back is that not enough energy moves at once in a high enough density to do anything beyond some basic reiki and pretty good self healing. All the cacified energy gets in the way and slogs everything down. And then the barrier on my skin prevents whatever does get there from leaving me in any useable way.

Perhaps I communicated my thought poorly. Gentle is not implied in my post.

An analogy to what I was implying is a seething storm of fury and fire, usually anger but intense emotion in any case CONTAINED by force of will and allowed by a 'non direct directing method' (I don't know what word to put here) to be targeted at a desired object.

Think of it like fusion energy in a magnetic bottle, where it leaks through is like a failure of the magnetic containment but it concentrates all of the force to one tiny hole to be directed.

Anyway, good luck with your experiments.

Well, another years gone by and I still don’t have my magic which is pretty disappointing but not all that unexpected I suppose. 2014-2015 was largely about physical recovery, 2015-2016 was largely about technique, and everything since march 2017 has largely been about emotional blocks. I find it ironic that I’ve gone about this in reverse order to normal training.


I find it fascinating just how resistant my mind is being to the sheer mountain of evidence demonstrating that the magic that I want is totally achievable. There’s so many source, a lot my own but also a lot from places like new thinking allowed and here on PQ. But I guess it’s not really “my” mind that’s against it, it’s my body’s mind. I’ve gotten used to the whole having two sets of thoughts and feelings at any given time thing. Which might sound odd to people but that’s what it feels like, one set from me and one from my body.


My body has had a habit for years of constantly saying “You won’t get there” and it will slow me down immensely. Then when I do get “there” it goes”OK, but you won’t get to the next stage” and then I do and then it just keeps shifting. It’s really dumb and annoying but it’s a compulsion so I’ve just got to deal with that. It’s just annoying how much I’ve been slowed down because of it. When I first took this stuff seriously in 2010 it took me 6 months before I was not just able to influence wind and by extension weather, but I was starting to develop combative techniques and testing them in the real world. Now it’s taking me years to even get something relatively minor like the Rose Rune to happen. That right there demonstrates the sheer fundamental importance of emotion and mind in general to this process.


My body feels like it’s tearing itself apart half the time. Or maybe tearing “me” apart? I don’t know, I do know its incredibly physically uncomfortable and makes it very hard to focus on things sometimes. On the plus side the momentum is slowly starting to work for me, pulling my core out bit by bit. I’m reminded in hindsight of a shared dream I induced in Dreamsoap one time to try explaining this whole process to her through demonstration. In short I set up a motif of two candles, one black and one white. And a mirror. And I was explaining how if you think of the black candle as the physical body, and you look in the mirror, what you are trying to get yourself to see is the white candle, or spirit body. I then proceeded to try to force her energy to it’s highest point with the idea being that, deep down, both of us already know how to do all this because we’ve done it in the past. What we both found out through that was that it doesn’t quite work that way. No matter how hard I pushed her energy, it never fully released. She told me it’s because it was like she didn’t even have a concept of how to release it, so it just stayed bottled up. Thus that lack of concept needed to be addressed. Scarlet also tried doing this to her physical body one time as a poltergeist with similarly frustrating non-results.


However afterwards she reported this sort of energy vomiting feeling, which I got as well after something similar. Where was like you were gagging, and about to spit out all this energy but it just didn’t happen. It reminds me a lot of the surges I get today in hindsight. It’s at least the same type of thing. I think back to my past and I have this one memory after everyone in our group had achieved something we called “pure spirit form” which was a state where your spirit was your body, there was no longer a difference. We lived like that ever since achieving it, since it was self maintaining and really just a new base state. I remember this one time that, just for fun, i tried turning it off. And then I freaked out because it was hard to turn back on and I thought I’d made a horrible mistake. But I remember this sort of “turning inside out” feeling, and that’s something that these surges and all that seem to be leading to.


The only bad thing is, assuming that’s all the same thing, it’s not guaranteed to get me magic even if it works as far as I understand. I remember when we first learned regular spirit form, before we realized that it could go as far s it eventually did, I got taught it by some dude living in a hut that explained that it wasn’t meant for combat, it was for some sort of spiritual enlightenment something or other. As such it could be achieved by anyone and had no energy prerequisites unlike every other thing we’d achieved by that point. But it didn’t matter because it worked incredibly well for combat by virtue of the fact that we already all had a lot of energy by that point anyways.


This inside out feeling appears a few places in my memories, always associated with a release of energy somehow. So I’m hopeful that the same is true this time. I actually wonder if it’s what allowed me to use some magic in the real world back in 2010 since there’s a meditation I did almost daily back then that I’ve never managed to fully replicate since. It was a meditation dedicate to getting rid of calcified energy, but, it also got rid of stress and any other negative emotions. Anything that would cause energy to calcify in the first place. Until eventually I had no calcified energy left, and then the meditation just produced even more energy. It was a pretty linear relationship between that and how much I was able to do in the real world and how easily. I mean it wouldn’t’ve been spirit form let alone the pure variant since it wasn’t self sustaining, but it showed a clear trend.


I’ve always seen frying myself in 2010 as probably the biggest regret of my life, I had what I wanted and then lost it because of a combination of impatience, desperation, and a myriad of emotional issues. Namely, being afraid of accidentally hurting someone with magic. I still feel like so many things are different about now and then. All of which are emotional. Back then I knew exactly who I was and had zero problems with it, everything was stable. I wasn’t trying to prove anything with training, I was just using trial and error and seeing what happened. I had no emotional blocks when it came to magic and I think that’s why it came so easily and naturally. I also didn’t believe or even consider any of the past life stuff, it was all just a fictional story as far as I was concerned. I really didn’t start having trouble with magic until after I started being forced to take the past life ideas seriously. Ironically this isn’t even new, the last sliver of the memories are all about me having crippling emotional problems, usually making some mistake and then losing like 90+% of my ability out of fear of making that mistake again, eventually snapping and getting it all back again, rinse and repeat. So everything happening now is just par for the course.


If there’s any other fears I have it’s fear of letting everyone down. I’ve gotten a lot of help from a lot of different people with magic. Some people specifically inducing shared dreams just to help me out by their own admission. Spirits hanging around as poltergeists, ridiculous amounts of very extreme paranormal stuff all around. I do feel like if I die before achieving this I’ve just wasted all of their time and effort. And some have started talking about that, sometimes to me, sometimes to Dreamsoap.


There’s one person who I first met on, ironically, Halloween 2016 because she pulled me into a dream to help her teach some people the basics of magic. Can’t say I approved of her methods at the time since she was very, very advanced in her knowledge and capabilities and she was taking people who’d just figured out that extruding energy as even a things and was like “you can leave when you beat me” and otherwise held them against their will. I was so fucking pissed at that that I attacked her myself... and lost, really badly. But it was my fault, I used a strategy that her strategy was designed to counter, and I knew that before I started, so yeah. I also recognize that she had good intentions even if her methods at that time were a bit too extreme. Then the second time I tried to have a rematch in projection, almost won, but then tried experimenting near the end which kinda backfired. Her comments then were that my victory or death attitude is noble, albeit impractical, and that although she understand why I’m like that, if I keep going that way I’ll just end up destroying myself. Which is a very common problem of mine, I don’t like stopping. I don’t like feeling like I could’ve done more but then gave up. But I recognize that at the same time things like burnout, over training, and other recklessness is a thing. The third time she showed up was in a dream that I actually wrote up for PQ called “Baby Food” which I took down about an hour after I posted it because I just felt like it was so crazy that I shouldn’t have it there.


In that one we had an impromptu duel in which she noticed and commented on that I had no magic. I protested that since I had all my mobility. Flight and “teleportation” which isn’t actually teleportation but that’s a whole other explanation. But I had nothing offensive and as I continually tried to force something out she sort of mocked me for it, recognizing that I knew that I didn’t have anything. Eventually she stopped the fight and recommended that I stop with this whole “magic obsession” thing. At the time I thought she meant give up entirely and so I got incredibly angry about that and tried to force stuff out anyways. But she just turned away and said she wasn’t going to bother fighting me if I didn’t even have my magic and teleported away, causing a shift to another dream. I felt really terrible. And the dream after that really demonstrated how much I need to learn to just stop sometimes since it featured something that made it into my top ten creepiest most unsettling things I’ve ever had to deal with in this life and was where the name “Baby Food” came from for the thread title.


Man, even just writing the abridged version of all that feels too crazy to post, but whatever, I gotta get over that too. It only feels so bad because out here in the “real” world I have zero martial ability and I’d lose if you put me up against anyone. Being blind kinda negates any of the martial arts experience I have, and as a result I haven’t bothered to keep my fitness up like I used to because... what’s the point when I can’t even use it? So talking about fighting feels very egotistical and unreal since talk is all it is.


I recognize now that she probably wasn’t telling me to give up entirely, but instead just for that fight. And to just take a break. Dreamsoap also told me that the way I had been approaching magic was only pushing it further away due to how much emotional investment I had on it. A day or so after that dream someone, presumably her, came to Dreamsoap and asked her why I didn’t have my magic yet since I should’ve had something by now. It is actually pretty strange, both of us recognize it. Dreamsoap says it feels like there’s something external that’s preventing it from working. Things would only flow like 75% of the way and then mysteriously stop, And it makes no sense. I’ve been exploring many different options. Some natural, some not. I don’t even have a bet guess right now. But I do know that emotional refinement is getting rid of the barrier around my skin so maybe it’s just that, thought I admit it really doesn’t seem that way. That barrier itself is very strange sometimes, as if it’s a seal. Something that I’ve considered, but it just doesn’t seem like a seal to me. Or if it is it’s a really bad one, so the mystery continues.


I’ve slowly learned to stop being so overly analytical. I’ve outright stopped having respect for overly rational ways of thinking. I realized that all that ever did for me was make me more subservient when really m own desire should be paramount. I’ve always hated people who argue for submission, whether it’s from religion or empiricism I don’t really care, it’s all just cowardice in my eyes. Either you are submissive to some god or set or universal morals or other bullshit, or you are submissive to the “laws of physics” and what can be observed and argued for in a mass population. People seem to forget that a lot of the world’s most important inventions weren’t based on logic or evidence, they were based on someone’s desire to make something happen. As far as I’m concerned reality should bend directly to my and other peoples will. I don’t care whether or not it’s been observed yet, or if there’s a scientific consensus for or against the possibility of it. That’s all other peoples opinions, and they’re not me, so I don’t care.


I got on that trend when Scarlet mentioned in one projection that she thought it was odd how analytical I was being since I wasn’t like that in the past. Sure I used logic to solve problems, but my basis for wanting to in the first place was always strong emotion. And it kinda clicked for me. She was totally right and somehow even though I remembered being like that myself it was like I didn’t recognize it because I was trying too hard to be rational about everything so I didn’t become just another lightworker or other religious nutjob who just believes things that feel good. My reason for wanting to do things always came from desire. So I definitely credit her for a lot of my progress in that area.


I’m hoping that maybe 2019 will be the year I finish this stuff off, it’s certainly possible that it could be, as it has been since 2015. But I’m not going to make any estimations or anything this time. I have a bad habit of being over ambitious with them. It’ll happen when it happens. I have no doubt that it will, unless I die first or something.

I don't know if it's good or bad at this point but I feel like I've really started going off the deep end with all this. I no longer want the stress of wondering if things are real or not and so from my perspective all magic, all the parapsychological stuff, from NDE's to mediums to PK to all of it is just real because I fucking say it is. I get that there's no big demonstrations of it yet but I just don't care anymore. It's all real in principle. After posting Loderunner and finally admitting it and many other things to myself I just refuse to live in a world without magic, therefore this world has magic. I don't care how irrational that is. I'll just have to make it real, that's all there is to it.

On one hand this could end up being really good for me. I can already feel how it's pushing me to the edge. All my work indicates that if I can just get to that same neutral state that poltergeisting has worked in everything should start to work right in front of me too. Maybe not immediately the first time but ioverall it should.

But on the other hand, it could be really bad. But not as bad as what I wrote here before, that was just me venting.