Retracing my footsteps: physical magic training

Well I think I've reached the point where I've recognized it's time to give up on this life. There was progress in the last while. I managed to unify physical exercise and energy training, which resulted in massive fatigue for 3 weeks because of the severe energy drain from doing it. I learned to not care about this world thanks to the whole covid situation, lemmings deserve to be lead off cliffs. I struggled a lot with it for awhile because deep down I do care a lot about everything. But as Teal pointed out "They're not suffering, they're learning" and after awhile I understood that. Most people only suffer because they're choosing to be retarded, not from any legitimate external cause, or at least not one they can't overcome with a little time, effort, and intelligence. The few people who are legitimately suffering are the only ones worth helping, the rest are just chaff.

I spent entirely too much of my existence doing everything I could to help everyone else be free of such oppression because I understood what it was like. To the point where I felt obligated to do it and began to hate myself and see myself as the problem. Because I was a product of such suffering, and I didn't want anyone else to ever have to go down that path too, because look what happened to me. No more, everyone else can go fuck themselves and learn the same way I did. that they are nothing, their thoughts, feelings and actions don't matter.And the only one who cares about them is them, so if they want something in life its up to them and only them to get it. And power is the only thing that can do that for them. Any genuine relationships they make along the way are leagues above the fakery they would find under any other system of thought.

So my thoughts now are that I'm going to sign up for assisted suicide during my next therapy appointment assuming they're smart enough to let me do that. Appointments that are practically useless since I can't talk about ay of my real issues. Not like they'd be able to help anyways. Originally I was going to wait until my central vision died. Since at that point there's be no possibility for joy in my life since everything I like requires good vision. I also wouldn't be able to train magic then, so if I didn't already have it, it would be pointless to continue. But I'm sitting here wondering why I should even bother waiting that long? I mean, the entire point of magic is for suicide anyways. just a different kind. And that more I keep striving for magic the more psychological damage I'm going to do to myself. If any dumbass spirits think I'm making a bad decision or whatever, then they can show up as full apparitions and explain why in person. anything less than that is a waste of my time. They won't of course, either because they don't exist, don't care, or want me to kill myself. It doesn't matter to me which it is. But they're welcome to prove me wrong at any time.

In any case this life wasn't a total waste, I learned to actually care about myself again and that I'm not obligated to notice let alone care about anyone else. I refuse to ever incarnate again.

I am most annoyed that I got to the point of proving magic can be done, but my useless body was unable to actually pull it off itself. I always knew that I had an incredibly slim chance of success this whole time. The only reason I even attempted this was that because of the sheer amount of experience I have I was able to cobble together a highly experimental but theoretically doable method to get magic even under these conditions. I'm also very annoyed that all the spirits were right. That I would have a miserable life, that I would have to accept that I wasn't going to get my magic. Quite frankly even though they were just the messengers, likely just reporting what they were reading from the flow of energy, I still want to attack them for that. If they knew my life would be miserable, they should've just killed me when they told me as a kid. I know I had a chance to leave this incarnation when I was like 4-6 years old, not sure exactly when the one spirit came and offered me that, and yes I should've taken that chance, because yes, no one here needs my help, but still, these people could've just killed my body themselves and saved us all the trouble. Or at the very least left the offer open, which amounts to the same thing.

I find it ironic that my willingness to always continue, the trait I wanted to most preserve, was also the thing that caused the most problems. whether it was the myriad of injuries I got from over traiing in martial arts and elsewhere. Whether it was embarking on this incarnation that literally everyone said didn't need to happen and wa a bad idea, whether it was requesting that my own failsafe, intended to prevent me from living to age 30, since this incarnation was only supposed to be about 25 years long, be removed. So on and  so forth. even the female fighter who I've talked about a few times told me twice that I needed to stop doing this. First making me forfeit a sparring match because my tendency to never stop until my body gives out was "Noble but self destructive" basically. Then later on again telling me I should give up on my "magic obsession" during another fight. Before she left, saying that there wasn't even a point fighting me if I didn't even have my magic. I am still not happy about that, but I also don't blame her, because she was right. I've been on the other side of encounters like that. And I would've looked at me the same way in hindsight. So I guess it's 4-0 for her now.

It seems that literally everyone thinks the best, most healthy thing I could possibly do is just stop. No oe ever agreed with my desire to develop magic, saying if I insisted on developing anything it should just be OBE's. Yellow constantly used to tell me that "the whole point is not to try" and everyone was hoping I'd take a break from fighting for once. and just live a normal, mundane life and relax. Well, I can do one of those things. I can stop, but there's no way I can live a happy, relaxed life, not as long as I'm in this body. So they'll have to be okay with 50%. I can relax and have fun later. I'm somewhat amazed I went on as long as I did.

I don't imagine I'll change my mind on this, it will require very decisive unmistakable absolute proof that I will get my magic in order to make me bother continuing. and of course that's not going to happen, literally the only thing that would meet that criteria is just getting my magic entirely spontaneously. And of course that won't happen either. The only other thing I think could do it is if somehow, someway, despite having no ability to do anything I actually enjoy, I somehow find some value or joy in my deteriorating life that makes me want to stick around for it. I don't see that happening. So yeah, I am hoping the assisted suicide process doesn't take too long. Until then I'm going to squeeze what little value there is out of this worthless body and binge myself on whatever tiny joys I can find that it can actually do. Which really isn't much. But who knows, maybe something decent will come from it and I'll stick around. It's always possible, if only technically.

Mediocre, I think you shouldn't do anything at all just for the moment. You're obviously in a place (mentally) that feels hopeless, you've made that clear and I don't know what issues are at the root of it, of course. Who can you talk to about this ? Is there anyone there in your life to help you with whatever issues you have ?

Mediochre, you are far from a worthless person. Your journey has been difficult evidently but that does not mean you are worthless. You are brave enough to post about your experiences, your hopes and goals and your current feelings on a forum with people you may not know personally but may still trust. You are brave enough to engage in a controversial practice and tolerate whatever abuse, mockery and cynicism that may be thrown your way. 

Suicide in any form is not the option. Everyone has worth, and that includes you. Do you know how many guests visit this forum and view your comments and this thread? Just imagine how many people may have agreed with you and thought that you're far from worthless! Well done for not bottling this up, now don't give up. 

Please stay with us Mediochre.

[Laird]

The only other thing I think could do it is if somehow, someway, despite having no ability to do anything I actually enjoy, I somehow find some value or joy in my deteriorating life that makes me want to stick around for it.

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling like giving up on (this) life, Mediochre. I think you have a lot to offer, and I was thinking, re the above quote, whether maybe you would enjoy - or at least value the process of, or get some satisfaction from - writing down a full autobiography, from the start of your life to the present, including all of your memories of past lives and in-between lives, your paranormal experiences, your attempts to gain magic in waking reality, your beliefs and why you hold them, and all of the lessons you've learnt from all of it or would like to share with the world. I'm sure that there are plenty of people who would be interested in reading it too, as you seem to have a pretty unique experience of and perspective on reality. You have a lot of practice writing up various life experiences already; an autobiography would be an opportunity to pull them all together into a coherent whole, which might help others in similar situations and with a similar perspective on reality find some solace from knowing that they are not alone. Who knows, perhaps during the time it took you to write it all up, you would be able to regroup and rally - to find some ongoing purpose? Perhaps, too, in publishing it in whatever way you were able to, you would attract people to you who share your experiences and perspective, and that might also give you some added purpose. I'd be willing to help with the editing process if you wanted help. What do you think?

As I read the latest post, Mediochre, I felt a thread of severity, harshness, in it. Perhaps other words would better describe it, but that will do for now. In my experience, a gentler approach towards oneself is a better way, not towards any goal, but just to be.

Our existence really amounts to our state of being. How we are, in this moment now. We can change that by choosing how to treat ourselves. I recommend, from my own experience, gentleness. Be gentle with yourself please, Mediochre.

I don't really have the stamina to do individual replies so Io'm just going to do one to everyone I've seen reply so far:

Mediocre, I think you shouldn't do anything at all just for the moment. You're obviously in a place (mentally) that feels hopeless, you've made that clear and I don't know what issues are at the root of it, of course. Who can you talk to about this ? Is there anyone there in your life to help you with whatever issues you have ?

I'm probably not going to do much of anything, more than likely I'm going to keep my original plan of waiting until my central vision dies, and even then, knowing me, I'll find some other reason why I can't bring myself to leave yet, How good of an idea that is is anyones guess. No I don't have anyone I could actually talk to about any of this, all the people I actually need to talk to aren't incarnated and Teal has heard it all before at this point and can't really do anything to help.

Mediochre, you are far from a worthless person. Your journey has been difficult evidently but that does not mean you are worthless. You are brave enough to post about your experiences, your hopes and goals and your current feelings on a forum with people you may not know personally but may still trust. You are brave enough to engage in a controversial practice and tolerate whatever abuse, mockery and cynicism that may be thrown your way. 

Suicide in any form is not the option. Everyone has worth, and that includes you. Do you know how many guests visit this forum and view your comments and this thread? Just imagine how many people may have agreed with you and thought that you're far from worthless! Well done for not bottling this up, now don't give up. 

Please stay with us Mediochre.

I know "I'm" not worthless, it's my body that's worthless at this point. Magic would effectively be suicide because the whole point is to use it to completely rebuild and change this body into my body, effectively changing my identity and thus being a form of suicide. The point, in either case, is to get rid of this body. I've died enough times to know that it really doesn't mean anything, though I would still prefer to just get magic in this body instead of leaving. But it gets to a point where that just doesn't make sense, it gets harder and harder and harder to build magic into a body the older it gets and under normal circumstances I shouldn't even bother trying at this age as the metabolism is far too slow. Generally speaking, if you haven't started when you're a kid so you cqan take advantage of the adolescent metabolism boost to effectively grow around the stimulus, you're probably not going to be able to develop all that much. It's still technically possible to do, and technically possible to use a small amount of energy to recursively rebuild everything else so that the age barrier doesn't matter. But its a matter of whether or not its really worth investing the sheer amount of time and energy into trying to do something that precise and finicky when you could just leave and either get a new body, or just go back to the one I already built up, assuming I can.

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling like giving up on (this) life, Mediochre. I think you have a lot to offer, and I was thinking, re the above quote, whether maybe you would enjoy - or at least value the process of, or get some satisfaction from - writing down a full autobiography, from the start of your life to the present, including all of your memories of past lives and in-between lives, your paranormal experiences, your attempts to gain magic in waking reality, your beliefs and why you hold them, and all of the lessons you've learnt from all of it or would like to share with the world. I'm sure that there are plenty of people who would be interested in reading it too, as you seem to have a pretty unique experience of and perspective on reality. You have a lot of practice writing up various life experiences already; an autobiography would be an opportunity to pull them all together into a coherent whole, which might help others in similar situations and with a similar perspective on reality find some solace from knowing that they are not alone. Who knows, perhaps during the time it took you to write it all up, you would be able to regroup and rally - to find some ongoing purpose? Perhaps, too, in publishing it in whatever way you were able to, you would attract people to you who share your experiences and perspective, and that might also give you some added purpose. I'd be willing to help with the editing process if you wanted help. What do you think?

That's Yellow's project and more or less the reasoning she used for starting it. Though she does it a bit differently. I don't really want to be a writer or anything like that. I'd much rather train and actually have my own abilities back than talk about it. The two reasons I had for posting my experiences were

A: I figured it would help other people feel more comfortable about talking about theirs
B: As references for how and why I learned certain things for developing magic here and elsewhere as a data dump for anyone else trying to develop magic.

These days I'm less and less interested in that, as I don't think it's all that necessary to teach people magic anymore, There seems to be enough other people who are on the right track that sooner or later one of them is going to figure out the basics anyways. I'd rather they do it and start from the ground up. I don't really want to teach people myself directly, at most I'd do some public demos and that's it. So my writing output has dropped off a lot.

As I read the latest post, Mediochre, I felt a thread of severity, harshness, in it. Perhaps other words would better describe it, but that will do for now. In my experience, a gentler approach towards oneself is a better way, not towards any goal, but just to be.

Our existence really amounts to our state of being. How we are, in this moment now. We can change that by choosing how to treat ourselves. I recommend, from my own experience, gentleness. Be gentle with yourself please, Mediochre.

Pretty much everyone has said more or less the same thing since about 2009.

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling like giving up on (this) life, Mediochre. I think you have a lot to offer, and I was thinking, re the above quote, whether maybe you would enjoy - or at least value the process of, or get some satisfaction from - writing down a full autobiography, from the start of your life to the present, including all of your memories of past lives and in-between lives, your paranormal experiences, your attempts to gain magic in waking reality, your beliefs and why you hold them, and all of the lessons you've learnt from all of it or would like to share with the world. I'm sure that there are plenty of people who would be interested in reading it too, as you seem to have a pretty unique experience of and perspective on reality. You have a lot of practice writing up various life experiences already; an autobiography would be an opportunity to pull them all together into a coherent whole, which might help others in similar situations and with a similar perspective on reality find some solace from knowing that they are not alone. Who knows, perhaps during the time it took you to write it all up, you would be able to regroup and rally - to find some ongoing purpose? Perhaps, too, in publishing it in whatever way you were able to, you would attract people to you who share your experiences and perspective, and that might also give you some added purpose. I'd be willing to help with the editing process if you wanted help. What do you think?

I won't deny I would prefer if certain things did get written up. But I won't do any sort of full autobiographybor anything. One, because there's no way I'd be able to get through it all and two, I think Yellow's method is just plain better and has already shown itself to do what she wanted it to do. And despite various people urging me to do fiction stuff I just couldn't care less about it. So I'm not planning on doing much more than maybe writing up a few things on here every once in awhile and that's it.

I ultimately don't know where I stand on most issues at the moment, My biggest problem has been a slow but steady decrease in my ability to do anything ranged, even in dreams. And if I can't do that then I have no way to make my magic work. I don't even know if I should even bother trying, and so at the very least for the moment I am stopping. That being said I do know that I was on the right track, as per this interview:



When he said that sometimes things happen when you've been doing it for awhile and start drifting off into a sort of daydream state, that confirmed what I've predicted elsewhere in this thread and other places. Even if it hasn't happened to me. But people like him actually want to teach, and I don't. Not really anyways, as much as I know its the best thing to do I don't really care to do it myself. So I'd rather leave it to them.

Besides, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to do it and I'm getting tired of not really getting anywhere. My progress isn't real progress. The only real progress at this stage is just straight up hitting stage 2 and making a visible ball of energy. Teal gave me some "homework" based on NDE stuff she's been reading and some interview with or about some guy named Paul Seag or something she thinks she heard on Coast to Coast radio. So in either case, I'm stopping, if it happens it happens but I'm not holding my breath.

[Laird]

So I'm not planning on doing much more than maybe writing up a few things on here every once in awhile and that's it.

OK, no worries - and, as you already know, you're very welcome and even encouraged to do that.

Also, I just want to affirm that I recognised your harshness towards yourself when Typoz pointed it out. Maybe that's something you could work on - perhaps in place of the work you've stopped on magic? Maybe a gentler approach towards yourself would help with the magic too.

I would be sad to see you leave this life Mediochre, as you have brought an interesting perspective to the discussion.

You are one of the few people who strongly acknowledges that there is more to reality than just this life and some seemingly justified afterlife where it all makes sense.

Also I too wonder how magic is just supposed to [be] some kind of means to "enlightenment" rather than a practical means of altering our circumstances - those who try to make magic as just a path to wisdom seem to protest far too much.

Mediochre. My perspective on this saga is based on a long period of observation and study, but admittedly may still be erroneous.  My reaction to your plight begins with compassion for a great struggle against adversity. And I preface these remarks with a general apologia for seeming to be unduly dismissive of your chosen path, or presumptuous. I'm not - I think you have been heroic and determined through great vicissitudes to achieve your goals, and should be praised for that.

Anyway, it seems to me that you have unfortunately spent an incredible amount of energy and perseverance in pursuing the basically unachievable down an endless rabbit hole. Unachievable because I don't think we are meant to be able to manipulate matter magically in this world - it is not part of the plan, short circuits the spiritual evolutionary process and is not intended by the soul. In my opinion we are intended to struggle with the limitations and challenges of physical life. This process is intended by the souls (not necessarily by their human selves) to bring about learning and spiritual growth. Not that I agree with this as generally a good thing from the human standpoint (too much human suffering often results), but it just is the way the system works - we just have to conform, or accept some bad consequences. If magical practice were intended to be a practical way of life in this world it presumably would be readily accessible in the built-in human "tool kit" of innate capabilities. Instead, like psi and other paranormal phenomena, magic is apparently relegated to being drastically limited in the physical world, only peripheral and subtle effects that by design deliberately and stubbornly elude any scientific "proof".

Thanks, though I don't have much of a track record of caring what others think I'm meant to do. Especially when I didn't consent to any of it. Besides I already demonstrated that magic is possible but clearly not for me at this stage. Not unless something drastic happens. Which it won't. Which just makes the eventual suicide that much easier.