Jokes, Humour & General Smartassness

This big, football player-type is listening to a psychic medium, walks over, smashes his face with a long, right hook and yells at the fallen medium.

"Didn't see that coming, did ya!"

I am surprised to see people posting and liking this joke who think it would be funny if someone attacked me or my close friends. I have to say it makes me feel unwelcome here on these forums. I assume you were just being obtuse, so just to let you know, it comes across to as truly sick. Replace psychic medium with a member of any other persecuted group and no one would accept that type of hate. Have you ever had a broken nose or facial fracture? It is not funny. I would complain to an administrator but I see one likes the joke. Very sad commentary on this forum. How can you hope to learn about a subject when you disparage the people who know most about it?

I am surprised to see people posting and liking this joke who think it would be funny if someone attacked me or my close friends. I have to say it makes me feel unwelcome here on these forums. I assume you were just being obtuse, so just to let you know, it comes across to as truly sick. Replace psychic medium with a member of any other persecuted group and no one would accept that type of hate. Have you ever had a broken nose or facial fracture? It is not funny. I would complain to an administrator but I see one likes the joke. Very sad commentary on this forum. How can you hope to learn about a subject when you disparage the people who know most about it?

Aside from that it’s not even remotely amusing or clever. Although it is interesting that anyone would think so.

[Laird]

I am surprised to see people posting and liking this joke who think it would be funny if someone attacked me or my close friends. I have to say it makes me feel unwelcome here on these forums. I assume you were just being obtuse, so just to let you know, it comes across to as truly sick. Replace psychic medium with a member of any other persecuted group and no one would accept that type of hate. Have you ever had a broken nose or facial fracture? It is not funny. I would complain to an administrator but I see one likes the joke. Very sad commentary on this forum. How can you hope to learn about a subject when you disparage the people who know most about it?

Fair call, Jim. I don't remember liking the joke nor why I did, but I take your point, and have removed my like.

[Ninshub]

Ditto.

I am surprised to see people posting and liking this joke who think it would be funny if someone attacked me or my close friends. I have to say it makes me feel unwelcome here on these forums. I assume you were just being obtuse, so just to let you know, it comes across to as truly sick. Replace psychic medium with a member of any other persecuted group and no one would accept that type of hate. Have you ever had a broken nose or facial fracture? It is not funny. I would complain to an administrator but I see one likes the joke. Very sad commentary on this forum. How can you hope to learn about a subject when you disparage the people who know most about it?

Chill out, Francis.

[Pollux]

Not so very smart people....







...and then there is the Wipeout Obstacle Course.   

[Pollux]

Welcome to 2018 - here is the summary of the state of our civilization at the end of 2017:

• Our Phones – Wireless

• Cooking – Fireless

• Cars – Keyless

• Food – Fatless

• Tires –Tubeless

• Youth – Jobless

• Leaders – Shameless

• Relationships – Meaningless

• Attitudes – Careless

• Babies – Fatherless

• Feelings – Heartless

• Children – Mannerless

We are SPEECHLESS,

Government is CLUELESS,

Our Politicians are WORTHLESS!

...and I am scared shitless!

.

[Pollux]

Actual car insurance claim forms:

•     "I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form )
  
  
•     "The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
  
  
•     "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
  
  
•     "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
  
  
•     Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
  
  
•     The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -
  •  Q: What warning was given by you?
    
  •  A: Horn.  
    
  •  Q: What warning was given by the other party?  
    
  •  A: Moo.
    
•    
  
• "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
  
  
•     "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
  
  
•     "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
  
  
•     "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
  
  
•     Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
  
  
•     A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."
  
  
•     "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
  
  
•     "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
  
  
•     "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
  
  
•     "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
  
  
•     "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
  
  
•     "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
  
  
•     "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
  
  
•     "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
  
  
•     "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
  
  
•     "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
  
  
•     "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
  
  
•     "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
  
  
•     "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
  
  
•     "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
  
  
•     "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
  
  
•     "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
  
  
•     "As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
  
  
•     "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
  
  
•     "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
  
  
•     "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
  
  
•     "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
  
  
•     "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
  
  
•     "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
  
  
•     "The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
  
  
•     "The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
  
  
•     "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
  
  
•     "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
  
  
•     "When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
  
  
•     "The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
  
  
•     "No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
  
  
•     "I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
  
  
•     "The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
  
  
•     "I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
  
  
•     "I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."
  
  
•     "The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."
  
  
•     "I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."
  

Ah, the Jasper Carrott collection,

An out of state traveler pulls into the only gas station in Elfrida Az. Goes inside and asks the attendant " can i take this road to Phoenix?" The attendant replies." Well i reckon you could, but don't you figure they already have plenty of roads there?"