Ayahuasca experience ~ shadow work, past-life experiences, and meeting the teachers

Been years since I've had any inspiration to write, but the Ayahuasca journey from last night seems to have done... something? Well, here goes nothing, I guess. I tried to not make it a wall of text. Hope the paragraphs make sense.

The trip started off with the usual ~ Shadow Work, healing some of the much more difficult aspects of my psyche, including childhood trauma that was a very... dark, heavy experience. The healing came when I could accept that feeling in full, and then I feel it gradually give way to feeling myself again.

But then, I ended up connecting, as I had in two past journeys, to... another reality, another version of me, a bird version of me, that happened in a past life, except this was happening in real time, and this other life me was fully aware of my presence. In the second-previous trip, I just had memories, no contact. In the previous trip, there was a connection, and there was this seer who seemed happy to see me again, as if I'd met her before. Curious. The scene then shifts, as if something in me is choosing another point in time that seemed more appropriate. Perhaps there wasn't time for everything, just the relevant things.

I'm with my partner in that lifetime, in an intimate moment. She, Willow, after some discussion, becomes aware of me through my tiger spirit guide, who has a stronger connection to me than my other guides. Compelled by something, I end up telling them about my memories, about their children and their personalities, the struggles they'll face with raising them, and they're simply fascinated. The other life me goes silent at some point, and simply observes, lost for words, though I can feel his fascination and curiosity, as he observes me. Eventually we say our goodbyes, though I wasn't sure what to think, worried that maybe I'd interfered or something.

This latest trip... I hear a name ~ Gooseberry. Suddenly, there was a connection again, except it was even more lucid and vibrant. I witness being Gooseberry, being with Willow again. Then she can sense me again, excited, through my connection with my tiger spirit guide. She quickly put to rest my fears, noticing them, and says they're most grateful for everything that happened. They make love, and there's a very strong sense of intimacy... and then a deeper connection erupts from somewhere. Our consciousnesses twine up this tree, and Gooseberry-me cries out that it's the bird god, in shock and awe. And there is this entity silently observing us, I notice, in interest. Gently, after a short while, he puts us back down to earth, so to speak.

The connection vanishes as they fall asleep, exhausted... or rather, detaches, with me still be able to observe their unconsciousness.Then another past-life pops out of nowhere, of a Tibetan monk who is very... anxious, self-absorbed and detached, not sure what to make about the sudden connection, wondering if it's real, that his masters will be so happy that he's made progress... and I could feel all of the inflexible emotion, the very hard-set attitude underlit by anxiety and sheer stubbornness. We communicate, and in wonder, he says he'll go and tell his masters he's made progress. They'll be so happy. He wants to make sure it's real.

Immediately, it cuts to me knowing that he knew it was real. I got the feeling that his masters had decided I was a difficult case, so they decided that I would have a set of lifetimes in the Amazon, to learn the ways of Shamanism, to break in my anxiety, my inflexibility, my stubbornness, my ego. That I would be referred to a certain teacher who could help. I experience a few things in that lifetime. I see a deer or an elk, or something. I throw my spear. It hits nothing. There's no signs of anything. My hunting partner goes over ~ nothing. He looks at me, and to where the deer or elk supposedly was, and back, a few times, apparently thinking.

He takes me to see the village shaman. He looks at various muscles, my mouth, my eyes, the back of my hands, looking for something. He could sense something interesting in me. He says that I'm a stubborn one, inflexible. The words were automatically translated in my mind into those meanings, me not hearing the actual words. He's goes alright, let's look into that. Normally, no-one else drank Ayahuasca, but he offered me a cup. It hurts, I gag, wanting to vomit, but he's like, calm down, relax, let it happen. My teacher appears, the same one who I've been seeing in this lifetime ~ at least this-reality-me recognizes it, not my past-life self.

He says to the shaman, I'm taking this one as a student, asking politely for permission, greeting the shaman seemingly as a friend. The shaman doesn't even seem surprised. He accepts. I get the feeling that this shaman is my guardian spirit in this lifetime. That he's protected me for many lifetimes.

The scene transitions back to my bird self, Gooseberry. Gooseberry and Willow seem stimulated back into consciousness by my reconnection. They're happy to see me again, brimming with joy. They make love again, though this time Gooseberry seems to recognize somehow that the psychic I see in this lifetime is the same seer he was consulting. He gives me a message to give to her ~ to connect to her other lives, that it was important for some reason, compelled to share the advice. He seems puzzled when he notices from my memories that she doesn't seem able to at the moment, because he and I were, weren't we? The connection strains from both of us being pretty exhausted. The connection takes a lot of energy to maintain apparently.

Then the connection detaches, and I encounter the bird god again. I'm in complete awe of this entity. He is so... powerful, but gentle and wise. The energy he gives off is extremely subtle, but full of obvious power and wisdom. We chat, and I realize he's the reason for my connection to crows, why I was gifted in my last Ayahuasca journey with crow energy by a crow thoughtform, which I could then recall, with focus. He wonders why I don't train that power, as you train it like a muscle, or it becomes harder to access. I ask him to guide me, to control me, for some odd reason. He looks at me in silent puzzlement, and then laughs a little, saying, no, no, I will ask it to teach you. He reaches out, and I feel the crow energy intensify in me a bit.

Then he studies me some more, and pulls my teacher in, then telling him to watch me, then disappearing. My teacher looks at me, studying me, and then says that I was a stubborn one, yet I'd grown so much, from the stubborn, inflexible, anxious person he first remembered, calling back to my experience of the Tibetan monk past life. He says he is very proud of me, of my progress, that I am one of his revered, because of my progress. He then pulls me with him into a space, showing me some of his other students' souls, their progress, that they were just like me, that I was just like them. I thank him for everything he's done, and he laughs, then sternly taps me all over with his staff, telling me that I still have a way to go, as if he is disciplining me, showing me that I need to maintain control, to set boundaries.

Then... I slip back into being Gooseberry, at a different point in time. He doesn't notice our connection. He notices a feather fluttering from nowhere. He sees a meaning in it. He decides to find a seer. My perspective through him flashes forward here and there, observing him asking a good few other birds, eventually finding someone that knows where to point him.

He meets the seer, and she tells sternly him to be still and silent. She studies what seems to be the energy of the room, noticing something, going back and forth, again and again. She doesn't know what she's looking for, but she knows something is there, to be uncovered. Eventually, she seems to notice me, and says an other-you is here. Gooseberry-me is puzzled at this news, having no response. Then this-me feels compelled to share stuff with her about our future meeting. She recoils, saying it's preposterous, being told one's own future. She puzzles over it, uncomfortably. She studies Gooseberry-me even more, seeming interested by something. Eventually... she reaches out to something, and my teacher, from this reality, appears to her in a vision. He bows, exchanges greetings, and notes that this one, Gooseberry, is his future student. He exchanges information with her that I am not privy to. Then the bird god is pulled in for a moment, though I don't recall what was said, as the scene skips to the seer sighing and saying to Gooseberry-me that she's got a lot to explain.

The scene skips to Gooseberry-me looking shaken and confused, with the seer comforting him, saying it'll be okay, things will work out. Just go home, and seek comfort in your beloved. The scene skips to Gooseberry-me being home. I'm very immersed in being Gooseberry-me at this point, lost in his emotions. I'm struggling to know what to say. What can I say? Willow gently says that I can open up, that it'll be alright. So I do, and I tell her a lot of disjointed things, eventually growing more coherent, though I don't have insight into what alternate me was saying. It was like alternate me was dazed, a little out of it, shocked, perhaps. Willow shushes my fears, and I cave in, accepting that I shouldn't worry so much.

Time skips again, but this time, it was more of a chronology of memories, with Gooseberry-me not being aware of my presence. It seems to be much further back in time, in that reality. He does notice something from our connection, but doesn't seem to notice me, and mutters something about it being interesting. He withdraws into himself, and looks around the room. I see something that's like a hollow, as if it's in a tree or something. He seems to be grounding himself in reality, seeking reassurance from his surroundings, that he's sane. He gets a sense, from me or otherwise, that there was this bird that was important, someone who enjoyed his songs, but was too shy to approach him. He was a poet(?), a singer, someone who had gatherings of birds who would listen to him.

Time skips to meeting this shy bird. She's really shy, walled off. Nervous. But he decides to take her under his wing, to teach her how to find confidence, feeling it important. Time skips, she's still nervous and shy, but less closed-off and more confident. Time skips again, and now she's much more confident and open, chattering vibrantly. He gets a feeling of these past moments, perhaps inspired unconsciously by our connection, and reminds her of what it used to be like, when she was much more shy, and she laughs and giggles nervously, remembering, but enjoying herself all the same. Time continues skipping, and she falls in love with this bird she admired, and who had put in so much effort to help. The scene skips to them talking about being parents, and whether they're ready. She seems very happy and open, and joyous to consider becoming a parent. The scenes skip to a lot of intimacy. She keeps fainting for some reason, perhaps a remnant of her confidence issues, though they break through that. The connection then eventually ends.

I can feel the edges of my mind pounding. I ask my spirit guides worriedly that I'll probably have a pounding headache tomorrow, as it really sucks. They do something ~ I can feel the inside of my head, the energy. They strip away the Syrian Rue and Acacia Confusa somehow, and restore my serotonin levels to safe values.

Today... no headache. But I seem to have written down whatever message alternate me seemed so desperate for me to give. The handwriting is less atrocious than I thought it would be.

Well, that's my trip dump, I guess. There's absolutely no way to confirm this ~ how could I possibly find evidence, in this reality, for such a powerful set of experiences? Not a chance. So, you'll have to take it as is.

Edited to fill in and fix missing or confused details from when I was semi-rushing to type it all down before I lost my state of clarity from yesterday.

Thanks for sharing, don't have much to say but you might find this excerpt from the Mundaka Upanishad of interest:

द्वा सुपर्णा सयुजा सखाया समानं वृक्षं परिषस्वजाते ।तयोरन्यः पिप्पलं स्वाद्वत्त्यनश्नन्नन्यो अभिचाकशीति ॥

dvā suparṇā sayujā sakhāyā samānaṃ vṛkṣaṃ pariṣasvajātetayoranyaḥ pippalaṃ svādvattyanaśnannanyo abhicākaśīti

Two birds, beautiful of wing, close companions, cling to one common tree: of the two one eats the sweet fruit of the tree, the other eats not but watches his fellow.
~ Verse 3.1.1
✥ ✥ ✥

समाने वृक्षे पुरुषो निमग्नोऽनिशया शोचति मुह्यमानः । जुष्टं यदा पश्यत्यन्यमीशमस्य महिमानमिति वीतशोकः ॥

samāne vṛkṣe puruṣo nimagno’niśayā śocati muhyamānaḥ juṣṭaṃ yadā paśyatyanyamīśamasya mahimānamiti vītaśokaḥ

The soul is the bird that sits immersed on the one common tree; but because he is not lord he is bewildered and has sorrow. But when he sees that other who is the Lord and beloved, he knows that all is His greatness and his sorrow passes away from him.
~ Verse 3.1.2

Thanks for sharing, don't have much to say but you might find this excerpt from the Mundaka Upanishad of interest:

Interesting. Found this: https://theritualofdisguise.blogspot.com...birds.html

It is described as a metaphor for two aspects of the psyche ~ of Atman and Brahman.

According to them:

On engaging with prose, poetry, and verse to iterate on the nature of my adornment, I read The Parable of the Two Birds from the Mundaka Upanishad which I found extremely fitting to the nature of my exploration. The parable describes the nature of the human mind through the metaphor of two similar birds. In Sanskrit, the verse reads as -

द्वा सुपर्णा सयुजा सखाया समानं वृक्षं परिषस्वजाते।
तयोरन्य: पिप्पलं स्वाद्वत्त्यनश्नन्नन्यो अभिचाकशीति॥

समाने वृक्षे पुरुषों निमग्नोऽनाशया शोचति मुह्यमान:।
जुष्टं यदा पश्यत्यन्यमीशमस्य महिमानमिति वीतशोक:॥

यदा पश्य: पश्यते रुक्मवर्णं कर्तारमीशं पुरुषं ब्रह्मयोनिम्।
तदा विद्वान्पुण्यपापे विधूय निरंजन: परमं साम्यमुपैति॥

Aurobindo translates the original verses of this parable as -

“Two birds, beautiful of wings, close companions, cling to one common tree: of the two one eats the sweet fruit of the tree, the other eats not but watches his fellow. The soul is the bird that sits immersed on the common tree; but because he is not lord he is bewildered and has sorrow. But when he sees that others who is the Lord and the beloved, he knows that all is His greatness and his sorrow passes away from him. When, a seer, he sees the Golden-hued, the maker, the Lord, the Spirit who is the source of Brahman, then he becomes the knower and shakes from his wings sin and virtue; pure of all stain he reaches the supreme identity.”

The two-bird parable is, in fact, Vedic in its origin, the first shloka actually belongs to the Rig Veda itself. (I: 164:20) The complete description as given there is as follows :

“Two birds with fair wings, knit with bonds of friendship, in the same sheltering tree have found a refuge. One of the twain eats the sweet Fig-tree’s fruitage; the other eating not regardeth only. Where those fine Birds hymn ceaselessly their portion of life eternal, and the sacred synods, there is the Universe’s mighty Keeper who, wise, hath entered into me the simple. The tree whereon the fine Birds eat the sweetness, where they all rest and procreate their offspring, upon its top they say the fig is luscious: none gaineth who knoweth not the father.”

The parable describes two birds who sit on the same bough, while the bird on the lower branch relishes the joys of the ripened fruit, the bird on the branch above derives its pleasure from being a silent witness and looks on. The two birds in this story reveal the 2 species of the soul. Suparna (dual) describes the active and passive nature of the human spirit. These two birds are intimate parts of our own secret being. The Bird which is the Spectator / Witness widens our vision to external sight. The Active / Doer bird experiences the pleasures and rewards of seeing and knowing.

Interesting. Though my experience seems far more... literal than metaphorical. Feels too grounded in personal sense, from the perspective of I had of the experience. Though the going up the tree part, and seeing what was referred to as the "bird god" could be something like that, though I don't know enough right now.

Since the experience, a week later, almost... I feel a lot more balanced and calm. Before, I used to get an almost psychosis at times, but now, whatever that was is no longer causing that. Rather, I just feel... joyous and focused, almost. Like I have a lot more control over myself. It's some sort of progress.

It's like... feeling like yourself again, but you don't know what to make of it, so it feels semi-familiar, and semi-unfamiliar. If that makes any sense.

That crow energy I mentioned... I can most easily manifest it through, well, sexual energy. That is, using it to call on that energy, which then seems to fill me up. And then, I can focus it on various things, like healing of gut issues or more shadow work. Though, the gut issues seems trickier to heal, probably because it's a physical problem, requiring more energy and focus. And as I'm a novice at energy work, well, I guess it takes practice.

When I focus, I'm able to see insights from my other self, Gooseberry. Apparently, he's been receiving insights from observing flashes of my life as I have from his.

I'm aware of him sitting on a perch near sunset, as he thinks about his insights. He ponders about what he's observed, that he's a singer, a poet, and that I'm a writer, a... "scratcher", I guess, but that's just him trying to comprehend the idea of it. He finds it strange, unconsciously looking down to scratch the bark beneath him, wondering about the point of scratching things down, vaguely comparing it to his language, not yet really comprehending it. Then he... becomes intuitively aware that I'm passively aware of him thinking about his insights into my life, and he finds that slightly funny. He says hello to me, wondering if I'm able to hear him, but he can't hear me responding.

He then sinks into deep thought for a while longer, no longer being very aware of his surroundings or time passing. I'm not aware of his thoughts during that period. Maybe time skipped, maybe he had a nap, I'm not sure. Then at some point he vaguely notices Willow gently plop beside him and put a wing over him, saying he's been gone for a while. He responds that he was just thinking. They lean into each other. He asks if she's learned anything, and Willow replies that she did, from my tiger spirit guide on this side. She laughs and says she could never put it into words the way he does, but it was interesting and vivid. She murmurs and says that they should go home. Gooseberry agrees and they fly off.

The vision fades and I get sort of... sucked back into my awareness.

Mused on whether I should type it down or not. No particular drive, but eh, why not.

Another curious insight... decided to ask my higher self to show me anything that I might need, or just anything it thought was interesting.

For context, back when I was 18 (around that age, don't recall that exact age I was), it was close to the midnight of the new year. I was at a friend's house, and had finished smoking some Cannabis, feeling a bit stoned. I was dozing off a little, and then out of nowhere, in a vision of blackness, there was this intense vision of a fiery bird. There was the flash of the idea of a phoenix. I thought I was just tripping from the Cannabis, maybe I was... the phoenix swoops around and goes into my chest. The vision fades. I think it to be pretty cool, but nothing more comes of it for years.

A few months ago (when I was 30), a phoenix pops up in my meditations and greets me. Another entity, I think, joining whatever menagerie I seem to have. I vaguely link it to that previous experience, but mark it as a coincidence. I just decide to let whatever happens happen. I do give it a name ~ Miya. Not sure if it was my idea, or the phoenix entity's suggestion.

Then in a third-last Ayahuasca journey (I'm 31 now), I meet an entity ~ a crow entity whose name seemed to translate to "Shape". This was after some intense Shadow work where I heal some dark energy that vanishes after pulling it into my third eye. It felt like I was integrating a piece of my Shadow, anyways. Not sure what it was... but I felt suffused with energy.

Soon after, I sense an crow entity clear in-front of and just above me. I get the sense that it's a messenger. I get the sense that it's a thought-form of sorts, and it confirms it. We talk, but I don't remember much about the conversation. It says it was sent to give me a gift. I'm confused, but I reply, sure. Next thing, there is a vibrant phoenix entity that appears and says it was asked to help heal me. It begins working on my energy here and there, but then, I feel some urge to pull it into me, feeling intensely attracted to the energy. It merges with my energy, vanishing into me, me feeling ablaze with warm, sparkling energy. Next thing I know, Miya, in a sort of hatchling phoenix appearance, pops into my hand, and I put her on my shoulder.

The crow thought-form says it was a gift for all of my hard work. I don't yet know quite what is meant by it, but I accept it anyway.

Fast-forward to last night, and I notice that with focus, I feel myself drawn to focus the crow energy into a phoenix shape ~ it's Miya, who says that she was a representative of my Divine Feminine, and became part of it, so it took on her shape and form. That's what the mysterious phoenix entity was then... my Divine Feminine, though I didn't recognize it as being similar to Miya. It explains why my Kundalini isn't serpentine, but phoenix-like, then... it's still a mystery, all in all. The energy blazes up my spine, and my palms act like sort of... representative of wings.

Miya explains that her existence, her soul, her memories, personality, is now rooted in me. I explore her energy, and at its root, is just... me. I can recreate her as a thought-form inside of her mind, and she's fully aware of the current nature of her existence, accepting of it all. When I'm not focusing on her, she chooses to fade back into just being one with my energy, indistinguishable from it. How it's possible, I am rather uncertain, not knowing enough about how souls work, but there was no questioning it...

So many insights in a short space of time. Yet, I am still myself...