Retracing my footsteps: physical magic training

Personally I've been through a journey which more than once took me to ideas of ending my life. Eventually I realised it was impossible. Life doesn't end, it always continues. In that respect the idea lost any significance for me, it served no practical purpose. It only meant I'd have to go through childhood all over again, with all the loss of control that entails. At least where I am I have autonomy. I choose to honour that autonomy, it has value.

Personally I've been through a journey which more than once took me to ideas of ending my life. Eventually I realised it was impossible. Life doesn't end, it always continues. In that respect the idea lost any significant for me, it served no practical purpose. It only meant I'd have to go through childhood all over again, with all the loss of control that entails. At least where I am I have autonomy. I choose to honour that autonomy, it has value.

Well it'll get me out of this worthless body o it sure has a practical purpose for me. And I refuse to incarnate again and will torture anyone who tries to make me reincarnate until they beg for non existence. If it's somehow out of my or anyones hands I will just kill myself again and again each time I remember after living a short purely hedonistic life until I stop existing.

There is, as best as I can tell, only one possible vector left for me to maybe possibly kinda sorta get magic to work, and I don't really hold out any hope for it. Which is the "Finders Course" thing that I recently heard about from this interview and subesquently signed up for:



If after the 45 days I don't get spontaneous magic or some other equally large effect, then as far as I'm concerned its time to sign up for assisted suicide and count this life as a loss. I fully admit I don't at all believe that I'm going to get any benefit from this and I'm only trying it to prove my pessimism right. Because by all rights, by all evidence, by all the results I have gotten, I should already have my magic. There's really no reason why I should be struggling this much. I have enough energy in my body that I should be capable of something in the area of a single 40-100 kg*m/s effect depending on a number of variables. basically, if I'm right, then I should right now have an energy pool in my body equivalent to about 40-100 delta kg*m/s. Which only measures capacity, without including any estimates of how that could be affected by recharging, in that case it might, at best, maybe go up to something to the effect of 200-500 (delta kg*m/s)/day or so.

I can't remember if that reduces to Joules or not or if I'm using delta properly (change in/of), but it makes more sense in my mind to think of these things in terms of mass equivalency effects. That's not much in terms of practicality, but its certainly enough to do plainly obvious, indisputable demos of ability.

So the problem is either external, like some sort of seal preventing my energy from getting outside of my body effectively or at all, internal, such as some sort of lingering mental-emotional issues somehow making me subconsciously force this to not work, or a combination of both. I should not have enough of a mental barrier at this point to cause the amount of friction I feel in my body let alone enough to make the energy just straight up not condense or ignite to any degree. And I also can't find any real evidence of a seal or other external hindrance that could account for this in whole or in part. though there is evidence, in general, for both sides of this to various degrees. At this point though, I just don't care. I'm going to just let myself emotionally bungee from one extreme to the other without attempting any sort of control even though I could easily end up just killing myself one day if I'm feeling particularly angry and depressed. I'm not wasting any more time on this shit, it either works or it doesn't. And more than likely, it doesn't.

I am curious -> Have you ever seen anyone produce the kind of results you desire to accomplish in this life?

And am I understanding correctly that you wish to produce a PK effect? I admittedly haven't read everything you've written here but are you capable of other things like telepathy, clairvoyance, etc with a good degree of success?

I am curious -> Have you ever seen anyone produce the kind of results you desire to accomplish in this life?

Yes if I'm allowed to include myself as one of those people. Mainly back in 2010 before I fired my whole system and lost it all. Though admittedly even then I didn't have it at the level I wanted, but I was well on my way there and wiould 100% have it at and probably far beyond the level I want by this point had I not fried my whole system. Beyond that not much. Teal pulled me out of my body a number of times, and she's done a couple minor things outside of that. Some apparition and subsequent poltergeist stuff if that counts. But mainly it's just been me.

And am I understanding correctly that you wish to produce a PK effect? I admittedly haven't read everything you've written here but are you capable of other things like telepathy, clairvoyance, etc with a good degree of success?

Yes, PK and only PK. I used to have good success with other things, namely OBE, astral projection, and later  poltergeisting and inducing shared dreams which derived from that. But ultimately all that was just me trying to  figure out some way to get my pre existing abilities back in a roundabout way since astral projection was for whatever reason less affected by the damage I'd done. But as I've said multiple times elsewhere, I shut all that down  pretty much on march 4 2017 because of the stellar success of the Rose Rune that had been running for the 5 days before that. Being the first time since losing my abilities that I'd at the very least been able so see one of my own techniques working in front of me even if it hadn't been induced right in front of me. I figured if I could get that result then I was good to move back to direct training and stop caring about all the indirect stuff with the goal of basically just doing some equivalent of the Rose Rune again but right in front of me, between my hands.

Of note, the general style of ability seems to most resemble a radically different application of Reiki based on how it's described here:



Though being far more about willful use but blending in the automatic stuff along with it among other differences.