Retracing my footsteps: physical magic training

I’ve had a lot of trouble trying to figure out how to write this post. It originally was going to be three sections but I just can’t figure out how to structure it so I’m only going to focus on one of them.

On Monday. May 27, 2019 I got back into physical magic training after a LONG hiatus. I started with metal bending using a fork. I’ve never done it before and just wanted to try for fun. The method I used was to hold it with one hand at the very tip of the base with just my fingers. I’d send what I’ll call “emotion enriched” energy through my arm and into it and try to use that energy to forcibly bend it. It was the most comfortable way for me to do it because it’s not much different than channelling energty through a knife, sword or similar like in “the past” or projection and dreams. It’s also the most legit, I figure if you have to actually use your other hand to bend it you’re not doing real metal bending.

The first day I pushed myself very hard in one trial. Magic recovery has a very interesting fatigue pattern. The closest thing to it is this feeling of having been electrocuted mixed with burning. On top of that, you get sleepy. That first day the sleepiness was so severe I almost fell unconscious spontaneously when I was walking to another room. It felt like my consciousness just dropped suddenly. I did manage to catch it at the very beginning but the feeling was “slippery” and had it gone even a little further there would’ve been nothing I could’ve done and I would’ve probably seriously hurt myself.

Much like with muscles, your “wiring” needs time to recover after a workout. But I tried to push myself even further the second day despite not being recovered because the feeling was addictive. It felt nostalgic and like I was home. Everything felt exactly as I remember it feeling and I was excited to finally be myself again. Plus, I just love the feeling of continuing to push even when I feel like I have nothing left. So I did a total of 3 trials that day, which was a mistake. I found myself doing a sort of monologue along with it to focus and release my emotion that much more. It was just me sort of talking about my own determination to make this happen, make the metal bend, and then go further to get the rest of my magic back. It’s something that comes very natural to me as a sort of spontaneous incantation. Nothing formal or prepared, just talking. It’s almost funny how much of a difference it makes, just like it always has in the past. It probably more than doubled my sustained output during it, slowly climbing as I got more and more into it until it would momentarily peak and then I’d have to take a break.

If the flow of the monologue got broken by anything, such as just saying a word that didn’t really fit, my energy flow would react instantly and sometimes even painfully if I had been getting close to a peak. It was all a good reminder of how important incantations are for pulling out more and more emotion to make things happen, at least for me. Same for ritualized motions or positions which can be equally improvised and spontaneous. It feels like it literally consumes the emotion as fuel for magic.

I could barely manage the third trial and it wasn’t anywhere near as powerful as the other two. My arms, torso and head were all burning. I wasn’t able to train at all the day after that. And due to the effect low energy has on sleep, I was barely even able to get out of bed that day, but it felt great nonetheless. It affected my dreams, forcing me to have much deeper more vivid ones than I normally have. Hellevator Ride was a prime example of that. After a little training the day after that I had to take an extended rest over the weekend as I remember. I was coming back a little stronger every day and I loved it, it’s exactly as it should be. I was getting more tolerant to pushing myself like that. I didn’t have another close call with falling unconscious like I did that first day.

But I was starting to not like metal bending. It didn’t feel as natural to me as trying to form a solid ball of energy did, so I started to transition to that. I figured I should stick with what feels best since all I’m trying to do is get one initial result. Besides, holding a ball of energy would be a lot more impressive as demo.

The metal never bent, but I did get some interesting sensory feedback from the fork. Basically that I’d need to focus a lot more energy into a single spot if I was ever going to make it bend as the metal was very strong. That being said it sometimes seemed like it flexed slightly, but my eyes aren’t good enough to tell. The other feedback I got was that there was a way to “unlock” the molecules in the metal and shift them around almost like a fluid. But to do this was a sort of a puzzle reminiscent of those ones where you have, say a grid of buttons and your goal is to get all of them pressed in but each button is connected to at least one other button so when you press it it toggles the others. If they were down before, now they’re up, and vice versa. So you had to press them all in a certain order so that the last press would leave them all down.

In this case it felt like an incredibly complicated version of that that which felt like it had a solution but was way beyond my ability to figure out at the time. I intend on going back to metal bending later to poke around and see if I can get anything to happen with that.

After about two weeks of metal bending I switched completely to my standard energy ball training. Just put my hands up in front of me spaced a little apart and focused everything I had into the space between. I wasn’t trying to push energy through my body, I was focusing on the imaginary ball I was visualizing. My energy would naturally flow out of me towards it, trying to make it condense. I could feel all the calcified energy making things inefficient, causing friction and making things unstable. but as I dug deeper and deeper into my emotions that energy started to dissolve. I may have actually gotten something visible to happen, but it was very slight and not worth counting as evidence if true. Just a sort of dark spot that may have been the energy condensing just enough to bend light around it a little. At the peak of my monologue it seemed to take on a dark blue rim before vanishing.

Eventually, one day I got the calcified energy to fracture a little and a tiny chip of still solidified energy actually flowed down my left arm and exited my hand as a puff. It was progress. But then I hit a wall. I’d been digging deeper and deeper into myself but I couldn’t dig any further. As much as posting Loderunner had enabled me to finally start connecting to myself the connection was still somewhat shallow. I still had my own doubts, misgivings, fears, guilts, and so on that I needed to get rid of into order to go deeper. My energy destabilized as my mind started processing the progress I’d made as it always does when I make some sort of emotional breakthrough.

Training is impossible when your energy is unstable. It needs to be solid in order for you to really have something to push against. It’s not that you can’t use it, it’s just that it’s incredibly inefficient and sometimes painful. I’d been getting some help from spirits at the time who were doing their best to help me figure out some of the emotional stuff that prevented me from truly connecting to myself. They also insisted that I learn how to talk to them purely by feeling as opposed to translating their messages back into words. I never really trusted feelings which is part of why I refrained for so long but now I was willing to give it a shot.

I find that difficult because each message comes as a burst and often contains a good paragraph or two of dialogue in it. But when these come one after the other in rapid fire succession I can’t keep up with what’s being said. I was starting to see why working on that and projection skills could help me quite a lot with magic. A common way I’ve control my/a body in the past was to treat it like a machine. I figured that my brain knew how to control it better than I did, so I’d pull back and just pass it high level directives and let it figure out the rest. I turned almost everything into a subconscious process. I figure I could use that to get my body to create an energy ball for me. I mean, it worked in the past after all.

Doing so ultimately requires a lot of trust in your body, self, and feelings but it pays off massively when you get good at it. I thought that I could take advantage of the same process involved in everything from channelling to astral projection to get myself back into that state. Since in all of those you need to just let go and let thing happen without expectation. I wanted my body to take in the raw data regardless of source and react to it without “me” ever being aware of the initial data. Which lead to this thread. I admittedly haven’t made too much progress with it but I’m only working on it slowly.

During this time I only got a couple chances to train. Neither of which I was able to add emotion to. But during the second one I could actually feel a pressure pushing between my hands. I estimate that I’d breached an output threshold that, if properly condensed, could maybe create a visible ball of energy. Something that would probably look like it’s made out of very thin, hollow glass at most. Nowhere near the brightly glowing, completely opaque ball I consider my bare minimum for evidence to show others. But something nonetheless. Of course this destabillized my energy yet agin because it was yet another emotional breakthrough. It’s annoying because as far as I can tell I’m incredibly close to my goal and all I want to do is train non stop so I can just finish this off.

One night I was dealing with a bit of pain in my side and pushed this even further while I was reikiing myself. My abiity to self heal is so normal to me I barely even notice it anymore but sometimes certain things are more stubborn than others. I’d been thinking about a lot of stuff that night and got incredibly fed up with reality, fed up with not being myself, not having my magic, and having this stupid pain in my side that I actually managed to shift my entire mindset to believe that this wasn’t reality at all. Defining my own reality where I just wasn’t in pain first and foremost. And this worked! The pain just dissipated instantly and it didn’t feel like it used any energy to do it. But this “reality frame” lasted less than a minute before tangibly crumbling back to normal. It was very shallow, short lived, and would never have allowed me to use magic, but it was a pretty major thing nonetheless.

It’s something that I know I can’t, right now, do at will. But of course that’s what I’m working on now. It all seems to come back to needing to connect to myself as deeply as possible. During all this my energy has been “micro destabilizing” because I was making continual tiny emotional breakthoughs. I started to think that, since posting Loderunner got me this far, maybe posting and thus acknowledging something deeper would have a deeper effect. The first obvious choice would be to continue writing my past life story since I really have no good reason to doubt it anymore. But then I though, no, there’s something a lot deeper than that which I could write up. Which is the journey my mindset and personality has gone through. Since it’s the reason my past is the way it is and it’s the thing that I tend to flat out deny the most.

That was going to be the second section of this post. But I don’t know if I should put that in this thread or not. So for now I’ll just post what I have here and decide later. The third was going to be explaining why and how the emotional stuff matters on a mechanical level for this process... but I didn’t know how to explain it properly in a way that ties things together logically.

I think I've decided I'm going to scale back my training across the board. I've been doing a lot of emotional work lately with the help of some spirits who've taken it upon themselves to help. Their belief has been that I should do a lot more writing than I currently do and focus more on normal life things because they felt like it would make me a happier person which they think is more important than pouring everything into magic. Claiming in some cases that they're actually trying to block my energy for the sake of my emotional health. I resisted this for a long time because there's nothing in the world that I actually want. I feel like blindness is taking everything I genuinely care about from me and I've used that as fuel to keep me going.

I also clung to it because I felt I had to live up to my own past and accomplish things on the same level that I'm used to. Something that my friends have always been vehemently against. Saying that this life is supposed to be a break from all that and they would much rather I accomplish nothing at all if that's how it went. And that doing so doesn't make me any less. Well that's easy for them to say, but its hard to reconcile with the day to day life I have. Sure I've managed to induce shared dreams and poltergeists but when you compare that to what I remember doing or even some of my experiences here its pretty pathetic. I felt like the only way I'd ever be able to accept myself was to get magic. It was the only thing that would prove any of it to me. After all, if I couldn't do that, then how could I possibly believe I've done all the things I remember?

But a lot of things have happened in the last year and a half or so. I gave up magic as a life goal late last year, meaning I no longer feel that it HAD to be accomplished THIS life. This was probably the greatest blow to the fervour I'd been putting into this up until then. But it did help me loosen up which helped too. I sort of reconciled with various spirits on topics I used to be wholly opposed to, like their claimed interference in the world. This then prompted them to offer to help me, saying they hadn't before because I was so hostile even though they wanted to. Not caring that I felt guilty about receiving that much more help on this since they want me to get magic too. They gave me some homework which was to basically re-remember a couple particular incarnations of mine that highlighted opposite expressions of my extreme emotional issues. Sort of the period when I was at my worst. It was meant to be a reminder of what I was trying to avoid going back to. Which was my tendency to only ever do things for others to the point of self destruction. Something I'd had a lot of trouble with in this life too,

I clung hard to magic even though my training had increasingly waned since then because I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be blind, I don't want to integrate into society, money won't buy me anything, magic was the only thing with any chance of getting me what I wanted. So that's all I focused on. But that's not healthy either. I don't really know what I'm going to do at this point. I'm reminded of the recurring dream theme that I mentioned elsewhere, of being in  school taking classes I never signed up for, paid for, or liked. Then when I realize that, I just get up an leave, skipping all the classes except any I actually like. Other people try to tell me I'm lazy or ungrateful for doing it, as I'm wasting other peoples money and throwing away opportunities and whatnot. But I just shrug it off, I didn't sign up for them nor was I consulted on the matter nor did I pay for it. If the people who did are mad, that's on them, not me.

That's what all this feels like I think, I knew it was coming eventually. It also means suicide is potentially on the table as an option now. Since I don't have anything in the world I want to do anymore, I have no reason to stick around. Going and trying to be normal would just be for other people's sake, not my own, and I've done far too much of that. So it seems the most "me" option would be to outright leave. I'm not going to yet, but I won't deny it may happen in the future.

The thing is, attempted (but not necessarily successful) suicide is a pretty common thing for me in my past. Usually in the form of either trying to take someone else down with me with a "victory and/or death" mindset or allowing myself to give in to illness, injury or something else after I felt like I'd completed my life goal, kinda like I feel like doing now and exactly like I did in 2012. Sometimes these were combined together. When I look back at the myriad of times this has happened I really get the impression that it's not healthy and I probably shouldn't do it this time. Especially since, sometimes, I survived because other people intervened and were typically very angry at me for it. In this life's case it was Teal.

I recognize now that I was so willing to do that because I just didn't like myself very much and didn't value my own life or happiness compared to that of others. What's really stupid is I remember people directly telling me that multiple times but its only now that I'm hearing it if that makes any sense. Like, I remember the words being said but it's like they didn't register at the time or something, So I'm going to not do that this time, or at least I'm going to really try not to.

For now, I guess I'm going to focus more on fiction writing or something, I don't really know. I'm not really thinking about it too hard right now.

Since my last update I've been working on a fe things. I tried teh writing thing for awhile, nearly regained a reason to at least act like I cared about money, then that reason stabilized into life satisfaction and I lost it again. I finally acknowledged that there's really no difference between me now and at my best. I always have a limit to my power. It ade me less bitter about my life but also came at a cost. Now I feel my life has been completed, I have no reason or desire to stick around just like before, but minus the anger. I can't trin magic, it still feels poisonous. And I can't do anything other than follow short term whims. As there is no long term in my mind anymore, not down here anyways. Not with how things are.

Gaining life satisfaction left me feeling like I'm no longer supposed to be here, and that I'll likely be dead within 5 years. Certainly that's what I hope. Or rather, if I don't spontaneously develop magic in that time, I'll die. I don't really care which.

My homework from both my own intuition and teh spiris who've been helping me is to let go and give into myself, something I've never really let myself do before. That's resulting in me finally letting myself think and feel the way I really do about things. And I'm letting myself become dogmatic about my likes and dislikes. In the past i always strived to not become dogmatic, but I have no reason to spend the mental effort anymore. I'd rather just be me. And maybe that will result in magic all on its own, maybe not. i don't really care.

I still plug away at writing a book but I have no real desire to do it. I have no real desire for anything anymore. Now I just sort of write because it's what I do rather than any long term goal with it. Which I think works out pretty well. I've had dreams involving death and being given the option of coming back, to which I vehemently say no. In the first and most vivid one I was forced to reincarnate anyways because me not wanting to go bzck indicated that I was trying to avoid learning whatever dumbass lesson they thought I needed to learn with blindness, so I was given family issues in the next life instead. If that happens here I will slaughter everyone and everything involved in that decision and make sure I burn the entire world down along with me. I will make them regret ever having existed.

I don't understand why I care so much about all this, but I've decided to just stop thinking about it. I've stopped thinking about most things because I've already thought them to death. There isn't any more to mull over. I know exactly who I am, what I want, what I hate, etc. The only thing left to do is embrace it. I know that if I die without gaining magic I will feel like everything was pointless. Even with everything I learned down here and how much I tried to get away from that, it's still there, because it's how I genuinely feel, The journey is irrelevant if you don't actually get where you wanted to go at some point, all you did was waste a lot of time. Getting magic as the result of dying feels like cheating, it's not what I want.

Overall I feel like I'm probably in a terminal downward spiral. I refuse to integrate into society, I can't be bothered to lift a finger to make money. I write but I would rather release everything for free rather than hold it for ransom until someone pays me. My life is completed, I'm indifferent about death, and I'm only willing to stick around so long as its fun.

I think this life will likely end without me getting magic, thus rendering the whole thing a waste of time. I always tried telling myself that I learned a lot of emotional stuff down here that will be really good in the long run, and I did I guess. But it still feels totally worthless if I don't get magic. So I guess I didn't achieve life satisfaction after all. Though it does feel like it's completed, I guess the anger just turned into indifference or something. I don't know.

I guess letting go and accepting myself revealed that I'm a lot angrier than I was trying to be. It feels like all my values are very different than before and everything is really extreme. But everything is also very stable because its actually real. My problem this whole time is that I didn't like myself, so I'd never let any of this happen. Magic is clearly a real part of me, due to my strict adherence to the principle of freedom and self determination. My rejection of limits and anything I generally don't like. It's why I'm a fighter, its how I became one in the first place.

The only reality I'm willing to accept is one where people have both a public and private domain that they can come and go between at will. If they want to relax and do whatever they want, they can do that, if they want to interact with other people, then they can do that too. Their experience can be as free or as limiting as they want and they can change it anytime they want. Certainly such a reality would still have problems involving people dominating other people, but it would be better than this one.

If that's not this reality, I want no part of it. Either I will be allowed to leave whenever I want to go to the reality I want without needing to commit suicide or anything else painful, or I'm going to burn it all down and replace it. But willpower alone means nothing without real power to back it up. The more I give into myself the more connected I feel with everything else, just like I used to. It makes me wonder if I'm going to get the the point where I'll be able to just decide on things, like closing a door from a distance, and that will have the intended macro PK effect without me even having to think of it as magic.

I won't allow that not to happen. That's what I want to say because its how I feel no matter how crazy it sounds. I just want to say that it's a fact that I'll be able to do all these things, because I said so. I never let myself think that way even though that's what's really there. I guess because I'm scared it won't work and that I'm going to have to continue being stuck in a worthless reality not allowed to be myself.

I'm sure I could ramble much more about all this, and I don't think I said anything important, but I'll just stop for now.

Well things have continued to progress in what I'm hoping is a good direction. I guess I’m not quite as angry as I was last time though I’m not sure by how much. It seems to be a standard pattern where I give into the emotions and then they become less extreme. Though it seems I’m becoming the version of myself that seems to only come out when I've become fed up with everything. Basically there's two versions of me that I know of. One is very calm and very rational and the other is hyper emotional, aggressive and typically very stupid and often hypocritical. Thinking in very black and white terms and very impatient. I would argue that version of me is downright feral a its peak. 

At first I thought that this meant that this is the real me, since the whole point of this is to give into my emotions. However when I thought about it this didn’t seem right. Off the top of my head I can remember two lives where the peak version manifested, both of which involved a lot of abuse or environmental suffering. Ironically both were also female lives and were typified by lots and lots and lots of violence where I effectively became a murderous sociopath. It seems more likely to me that my emotions will stabilize long before I get anywhere near that.

I had a talk with one spirit who I’ve met a few times now in shared dreams and projections. First on Halloween night 2016 where she pulled me into a dream to help her teach some kids the basics of magic. And most recently in a thing I wrote up in the dreams section at one point called “Baby Food” which, if possible, I would like restored if any admin reads this. I put it up I don’t know how long ago then took it down after an hour because I felt it was too weird to share and I deleted my local copy so I wouldn’t work on it again from what I remember. But I don’t really have anything to lose so I might as well restore it if possible.

In any case, we’ve met more than once, outside of my friends she’s easily the most skilled and knowledgeable fighter I know of and has previously shown concern about what she characterized as my “magic obsession” in Baby Food as well as my tendency to not give up or forfeit. Believing that it was self destructive behaviour. Well anyways we talked again, though this time without duelling first, and I explained to her the whole thing about how I’m trying to go with my feelings and to acknowledge that weakness is okay because no matter what there’s always some current limit to my power. She interestingly disagreed with the lesson, saying that it doesn’t sound very healthy to teach people that its okay to be weak. But admitted that maybe in my specific case it’s a good lesson because of my refusal to quit.

I was also thinking back to the second big full transition, which I’m calling Aheadjro if and when I ever write it up. To the part where he drove me and his female secretary or assistant who’s name started with a J but I can’t remember out to the middle of the desert at night. Then beat her to death with a shovel and buried her while I sat in the car and watched. Doing nothing because if I did, the disorder I was trying to sew among the council wasn’t far enough along, and if I drove that car back without him the list of suspects would be pretty short. I did a lot and tolerated a lot of really bad things for those people to gain their trust. Because my interest wasn’t saving individual people, but destroying the entire system so no one would have to suffer from it again. I doubt I even achieved that in the end. But memories like that helped illustrate why its so important to go with my feelings and not focus on long term goals. Though I’m not really sure how to explain it. Just that I’ve done far too much of it in the past.

I have, slightly, begun connecting to the environment though. In a noticeable way now, though only for brief instances. Able to feel certain strange energy tangles in the environment that also seem to affect me similar to my energy when I’m able to detect them. The detection itself reminds me of channelling, and when the energy affects me it sort of feels like its mine somehow. Not literally, but like its connected to me in the same way my energy is, or more accurately the way my limbs are. Going with the same logic that allowed me to start influencing wind, if it affects my energy, then my energy should be able to affect it. Though I’m not delving into that yet. I’m far too shallowly connected to have any measurable impact on anything, and I'm not even connected at the level of physical things like air, so I can’t affect them anyways. Plus, this isn’t about magic, this is about connecting to myself.

As I connect deeper I’m learning that I’m going to have to find the point where myself and my magic conceptually meet and separate them out into their individual parts. Making me, presumably, completely stop caring about magic even in terms of remembering it. I’ve already had to do this type of thing once, where I had to learn how to separate my sense of obligation from my genuine desire to help people. Learning in the process that obligation isn’t real and it was only my own desire all along. I wonder if something similar will happen this time. It took me years to deal with the obligation because of how deeply rooted it was, and I still have some trouble with it, I hope it doesn’t take that long for magic. I would argue my sense of obligation is more deeply rooted than magic, in fact I think separating magic out is just part of working through the obligation block.

But my intuition seems to be getting better, I don’t know how much more accurate it is though there’s some reason to believe that’s increasing too. I’m just getting way more hits from it and I just go with them without thinking. The spirits who hang around us trying to help periodically get me to channel them, both for me but especially for Teal. She claims that some of the things they say are very accurate, so I guess they are. I don’t find it as hard to remember my own channellings as I used to, though it’s still a problem. I don’t like the feeling of possession that happens during them so I don’t let anything get too deep. Though that comes at the cost of presumably mixing too much of myself into what’s going on, making it less pure. But whatever, I don’t really want to hand my body over to anyone else and lose consciousness and maybe have something bad happen.

Their general message for me is to not get caught up in trying to delve into magic just because I’m starting to get connected again. And also to not focus on external accomplishments like writing. But to remember that all I’m trying to do is connect to myself, magic, writing, all that stuff are just tools for that, not things that I need to do. I agree with them though its still hard to remember sometimes. In any case, that’s my update this time.

[Laird]

And most recently in a thing I wrote up in the dreams section at one point called “Baby Food” which, if possible, I would like restored if any admin reads this. I put it up I don’t know how long ago then took it down after an hour because I felt it was too weird to share and I deleted my local copy so I wouldn’t work on it again from what I remember. But I don’t really have anything to lose so I might as well restore it if possible.

Unfortunately, I can't locate this deleted thread. There are no deleted threads in Dreams, nor in Member Experiments, and none of the deleted threads in Personal Experiences belong to you. Too, doing a database search on any thread (including soft-deleted threads) with the title "Baby Food" returns no results. Nor do searches looking for titles including the phrase "ood" or "aby" return a thread that might possibly fit.

Sorry I couldn't help. If you can offer any more information that might help me to locate it, then please do.

Unfortunately, I can't locate this deleted thread. There are no deleted threads in Dreams, nor in Member Experiments, and none of the deleted threads in Personal Experiences belong to you. Too, doing a database search on any thread (including soft-deleted threads) with the title "Baby Food" returns no results. Nor do searches looking for titles including the phrase "ood" or "aby" return a thread that might possibly fit.

Sorry I couldn't help. If you can offer any more information that might help me to locate it, then please do.

If it's not there then its not there. I put it up and deleted it probably a year or more ago at this point so I'm not that surprised that it would b e permanently gone. But it doesn't matter, I can always rewrite it from memory if I want to.

Haven't made an update on my progress for quite awhile here. Quite a lot has happened since my last post, lots of progress. I am now right back to physical training just like I was at the start. I go in a cycle of physical exercise, magic training, and recovery with surprisingly linear progress. I was rather surprised to find out that both my energy flow and focus are at the level they need to be. The only thing I'm lacking now is cohesion. I noticed this especially when I trained with only one hand, I could focus energy to such a small area that it stung my palm pretty badly. Once again, I find it funny that I never thought I'd get to this point, and yet I have.

But it doesn't matter how much energy I can force through how small an area if that energy doesn't actually stick to itself in the process. This is entirely my fault, I was trying to use focus to indirectly get me cohesion, which, technically, should be possible but it's a lot more advanced and I really shouldn't've been trying that. So now I've been working on cohesion directly, with a little success as far as I can tell. The energy feels like it's sort of falling into itself a little, like a weak gravity or staticky type effect. But its more the equivalent of a small cloud of dust somehow collecting into a ball because of gravity, but those dust particles are all still separate, so sure they keep the form of a solid ball, but if you poke it or disturb it at all it just blows apart. What I need is for the energy to straight up fuse together, like taking that same ball of dust and fusing it  into a single solid piece of rock. This will probably need some work though, but I'm confident I'll get there.

What I can say is that the energy is behaving exactly like how it feels like it should behave. It doesn't at all feel like it should be solid or visible or anything, and it isn't. Which does give me a convenient falsification if I need it. If it feels like I should be holding a baseball of energy in my hand, and I'm not, then my sensations have nothing to do with what the energy is really doing and I need to try something else.

In addition to all this, the spirits who kicked all this in motion may last year seem to have decided to just plain leave now. Best as I can tell from our last talk and a few other things it seems like they don't think I need any more help with this stuff. That and they straight up told me at one point that they wanted me to get more social with actual flesh and blood people and thus wouldn't let me contact them. But at least for awhile they seemed to be still floating around in the area, now I don't feel them anywhere. So, whatever.

I really wouldn't be surprised if I can get something to happen within a month. I haven't been very good with predicting timelines for things so I'm not banking on it. But I have been pretty good at predicting the general direction things will go. And as best as I can tell, if I can get cohesion to work the way I need it to, I should start being able to generate energy that's actually visible, solid enough to at least bend light through it, likely making it look like a controlled heat wave type effect. Or even getting a little opaque, which would be great.

Also I found Baby Food, though I don't know if it's worth posting at this point. the whole reason I would would just be as a sort of citation of that one event I mentioned above. Which is why I post any of my expereinces, just to show where my ideas and stuff come from.

This is a more general update, I don't see any reason to keep this thread as just about pure physical magic training. Since all of what I'm doing helps.

I'm thinking of reincorporating some projection and poltergesiting back into my work. I want to take advantage of the time loop thing that was mentioned in this episode of new thinking allowed.

I find it ironic that in the past this sort of martial law stuff is what I would typically train for in any given incarnation. But now I really couldn't care less. I sort agree with the spirits who figured the best way to teach people independence was to make things super authoritarian until people learned to stop looking outside of themselves for their identities, self esteem, saviours and etc. Still don t agree with the method though.

This entire life has been a detox chamber for me to learn that I don't need to try helping everyone and to be a lot more selective about it. I would not say that was the purpose of this life, but it's certainly been the result. And its a good thing too because even I recognize how good it'll be for me long term.

Part of my training still includes emotional clearing stuff, and as part of that I've been plugging away at the second of the big three full transitions, Aheadjro. One event of which I highlighted in an earlier post in this thread. I don't have PTSD for it like I had with Loderunner, Something I'm sure some people will find really strange after reading it. But I feel like I want to write it down anyways. Maybe because it seems especially relevant in this slowly dawning age of overt authoritarianism and how my goals have changed so drastically over time about that. I'm thinking of writing it up with it's companion dream, which I guess I'll call the Model Infiltration Dream for the moment, because that dream ONLY happened because Aheadjro happened. More specifically, Scarlet thought it would be fun to do another thing like Aheadjro somewhere else, so we did a few weeks later.

Both were shared dreams between me, Teal, and Scarlet, But Teal barely remembered anything of Aheadjro whereas she does remember the MID. I suspect Aheadjro was one of her "Second Dreams". When we talked little about it recently she said she remembers sensing that we were all switching roles for some reason because of something else we did.

I've also wanted to do a write up of Normal Inter-Dimensional Flow, and to a lesser extent Normal Inter-Reality Flow. Phenomenon from my memories that was excessively studied by the military that was the mechanism for how things flowed from one dimension or reality respectively to another.  It was important for a large number of reason but there's one in particular that makes me think I should do a detailed write up on it. See, it turned out that NIDF was, in some cases, responsible for the "inspiration" that some creative people would experience where they'd seemingly just get downloads of information from what seemed like "somewhere else". It turned out, after extensive experimentation, that that's literally what was happening in some cases, and so lots of works of fiction were literally the creator(s) remote viewing a real, pre existing dimension. Though there are caveats to that that need deeper explanation.

I want to write it up because I realized recently that a lot of what is known about remote viewing here just so happens to match up almost 100% with what was learned about NIDF/NIRF information flow. Like, they're the same effect, though remote viewing as practised here almost certainly would be using NIRF rather than NIDF. And much like here, the military got incredibly interested in that, both for information gathering as well as to figure out how to prevent their own information from leaking into the stream. NIDF and NIRF would also likely be the mechanisms of shared dreaming, projection and poltergeisting, and would neatly explain the temporal desync problem. Or at least why it occurs.

Reincorporating projection back into my training has so far been going pretty smoothly. The main thing I've noticed, because I'm so out of practice, is how fast it drains my energy when I try it. Mainly pulling from my head, which is convenient since sometimes I've had issues where energy will collect in my head, and after if gets to a certain point where the pressure is pretty high I find it very hard to do anything mentally intensive. But when I project or try to, the energy drains very quickly and things go back to normal.

Unsurprisingly some spirits have noticed that I'm sending energy out there and I've already gotten one minor poltergeist event from them. Some guy flew through the closet on his ay to come tell me something, Jingling a hanger on his way. Teal noticed it too and it sort of freaked her out for a moment. Namely because it was accompanied with te distinct feeling of energy which means a ghost. Though she was also able to tell that it wasn’t malicious and had nothing to do with her.

Which is nice since things like that, even when they're very small, are pretty motivating. It's nice to have that little trickle of confirmation that things are really happening. I've had some of them try to talk to me during the periods where I get into teh radio state. But I can never remember wht they say. That guy, for example, said all of two words, and I can’t remembe r what they were. The message was to the effect of “Hey listen!” or “Pay attention” or “Don’t forget!” but I have no idea. Some of them get pretty annoyed about it. But I haven’t figured out how to reliably remember yet.

I can sit there and consciously tell myself that I need to remember what I'm currently hearing. And I can try really hard to loop it in my mind and all that. But once I leave the state I rarely am able to remember what was said. And sometimes I'm hearing long conversations between two or more other people. Sometimes I'm talking back to people. Like, these things don't just last a second or two.

I'm really out of practice so maybe that stuff will come in time. I've also had my energy start to go on a runaway once during it, which is good because those things can lead to OBE's. And an OBE would be really nice right now, provided nothing tries to kill me this time. Which I don't think anything will. In truth an OBE could be the best thing ever since it has the potential to finish all of this off for me all in one shot. I already know how to poltergeist, I've already demonstrated that I can use magic in the physical world during poltergests. So, in theory, if I pop out of my body I could just recondense myself into a state that's just as physical as everything else and have full use of my magic, all in one shot. I think that would be easier said than done. I find condensing energy like that for poltergeisting kinda like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. If I have to consciously maintain it, it will never be a permanent state. I'd need some way to anchor it or otherwise make it an automated, self maintaining process..

But that's in the potential future, for now I'm just trying to do standard exercises like deep visualization, where you try to convince your body its somewhere else by deeply imagining all your senses. The standard is stuff like imagining yourself walking barefoot through a grassy field, and forcing yourself to feel everything, like the wind and the grass and everything. Over time from doing such exercises it will eventually stop being just imagination.

You can tell because things start happening that you did not intend to happen, they genuinely surprise you. And furthermore, you can't just imagine them away or change anything. Stuff like that starts to show that wherever you are, it's no longer just your mind, it's a real environment that solid like here. Or at the very least you are sharing the environment with at least one other real person who also has a will that is affecting the environment, which might reisist any changes you'd be making.

At ths point I don't even know what I'd do if I got my magic back. I don't know if I really want to try training anyone or even demonstrating it for people. I’m completely sick of most people at this point. I’m sick of all their stupid pathetic excuses for things. I don’t think there’s much of anyone here who deserves any sort of help. This life has definitely taught me to never again help anyone who isn't already actively helping themselves. Dumbasses can learn how to do shit themselves for once. I'd be taking a vacation before making any final decisions.

I feel like recent events have helped me just give in to myself somehow. Like, I'm not being as guarded with talking about magic and stuff, and I'm more or less acting like I believe it all with certainty. I didn't do that before, I'd try to always make sure I used soft language and wouldn't really bring up past experience in things. But now I just don't care. And that not caring is probably going to be really important for energy flow, it certainly feels liek it is.

A huge amount of my focus has been on thinking about wjhat my motives even are anymore because so much has changed. Why am I even working on magic, and should I even be working on it at all? Since I've had so much of a problem straight up martyring myself for others, would it not be better to kill myself and not force myself to keep living in a body and society I hate? Since continuing to live would only be for the sake of other people and I've done far too much of that already. These are the types of questions I ask. And while they remain unanswered my energy remains unstable.

Certainly things are more stable now than they were before any answers started formulating. But things aren't stable yet. I know part of the answer is going to require full on self centeredness. Or some version of it. Since that's what I've not done for a long time. And I'm getting there. Some people might think that that therefore must mean that I'd stop caring about other people, which is wrong. It only means that I don't put other people ahead of myself, which was the self destructive thing I used to do, and that I’m being a lot more selective and only helping people who actually have real problems. Not people who have problems they caused themselves out of laziness, cowardice and narcissism.

Which reminds me, I watched a playthrough of Doom Eternal the other day, because why not. That sort of scenario is pretty much what I envisioned as the worst case scenario of what Loderunner could have turned into if left long enough. Granted, what she was already doing was effectively that. But what was funny was that the mechanism of how demons got created was ridiculously inefficient compared to what I was worried about for what Nadia could have theoretically become capable of in time. I mean, that’s the shit I’m a lot more used to having to intervene in, because its an actual fucking problem. It‘s not something that is the result of lazy people complaining that other people aren’t giving them enough free stuff while wondering why said people keep giving themselves and their friends more money and power while doing nothing about it... usually. I could tell you stories of various events like that that I’ve been a part of in the past. I was going to say that they usually turn out worse than what the game depicts... but that really depends. So yeah, fun times. Though I do think it’s funny that the entire motivation for the Doom slayer is essentially “You killed my bunny.”

I figure I won't be able to fully get my magic working until I figure out an answer to all my questions, so I guess that’s what I’ll keep working on.

Well I think I've reached the point where I've recognized it's time to give up on this life. There was progress in the last while. I managed to unify physical exercise and energy training, which resulted in massive fatigue for 3 weeks because of the severe energy drain from doing it. I learned to not care about this world thanks to the whole covid situation, lemmings deserve to be lead off cliffs. I struggled a lot with it for awhile because deep down I do care a lot about everything. But as Teal pointed out "They're not suffering, they're learning" and after awhile I understood that. Most people only suffer because they're choosing to be retarded, not from any legitimate external cause, or at least not one they can't overcome with a little time, effort, and intelligence. The few people who are legitimately suffering are the only ones worth helping, the rest are just chaff.

I spent entirely too much of my existence doing everything I could to help everyone else be free of such oppression because I understood what it was like. To the point where I felt obligated to do it and began to hate myself and see myself as the problem. Because I was a product of such suffering, and I didn't want anyone else to ever have to go down that path too, because look what happened to me. No more, everyone else can go fuck themselves and learn the same way I did. that they are nothing, their thoughts, feelings and actions don't matter.And the only one who cares about them is them, so if they want something in life its up to them and only them to get it. And power is the only thing that can do that for them. Any genuine relationships they make along the way are leagues above the fakery they would find under any other system of thought.

So my thoughts now are that I'm going to sign up for assisted suicide during my next therapy appointment assuming they're smart enough to let me do that. Appointments that are practically useless since I can't talk about ay of my real issues. Not like they'd be able to help anyways. Originally I was going to wait until my central vision died. Since at that point there's be no possibility for joy in my life since everything I like requires good vision. I also wouldn't be able to train magic then, so if I didn't already have it, it would be pointless to continue. But I'm sitting here wondering why I should even bother waiting that long? I mean, the entire point of magic is for suicide anyways. just a different kind. And that more I keep striving for magic the more psychological damage I'm going to do to myself. If any dumbass spirits think I'm making a bad decision or whatever, then they can show up as full apparitions and explain why in person. anything less than that is a waste of my time. They won't of course, either because they don't exist, don't care, or want me to kill myself. It doesn't matter to me which it is. But they're welcome to prove me wrong at any time.

In any case this life wasn't a total waste, I learned to actually care about myself again and that I'm not obligated to notice let alone care about anyone else. I refuse to ever incarnate again.

I am most annoyed that I got to the point of proving magic can be done, but my useless body was unable to actually pull it off itself. I always knew that I had an incredibly slim chance of success this whole time. The only reason I even attempted this was that because of the sheer amount of experience I have I was able to cobble together a highly experimental but theoretically doable method to get magic even under these conditions. I'm also very annoyed that all the spirits were right. That I would have a miserable life, that I would have to accept that I wasn't going to get my magic. Quite frankly even though they were just the messengers, likely just reporting what they were reading from the flow of energy, I still want to attack them for that. If they knew my life would be miserable, they should've just killed me when they told me as a kid. I know I had a chance to leave this incarnation when I was like 4-6 years old, not sure exactly when the one spirit came and offered me that, and yes I should've taken that chance, because yes, no one here needs my help, but still, these people could've just killed my body themselves and saved us all the trouble. Or at the very least left the offer open, which amounts to the same thing.

I find it ironic that my willingness to always continue, the trait I wanted to most preserve, was also the thing that caused the most problems. whether it was the myriad of injuries I got from over traiing in martial arts and elsewhere. Whether it was embarking on this incarnation that literally everyone said didn't need to happen and wa a bad idea, whether it was requesting that my own failsafe, intended to prevent me from living to age 30, since this incarnation was only supposed to be about 25 years long, be removed. So on and  so forth. even the female fighter who I've talked about a few times told me twice that I needed to stop doing this. First making me forfeit a sparring match because my tendency to never stop until my body gives out was "Noble but self destructive" basically. Then later on again telling me I should give up on my "magic obsession" during another fight. Before she left, saying that there wasn't even a point fighting me if I didn't even have my magic. I am still not happy about that, but I also don't blame her, because she was right. I've been on the other side of encounters like that. And I would've looked at me the same way in hindsight. So I guess it's 4-0 for her now.

It seems that literally everyone thinks the best, most healthy thing I could possibly do is just stop. No oe ever agreed with my desire to develop magic, saying if I insisted on developing anything it should just be OBE's. Yellow constantly used to tell me that "the whole point is not to try" and everyone was hoping I'd take a break from fighting for once. and just live a normal, mundane life and relax. Well, I can do one of those things. I can stop, but there's no way I can live a happy, relaxed life, not as long as I'm in this body. So they'll have to be okay with 50%. I can relax and have fun later. I'm somewhat amazed I went on as long as I did.

I don't imagine I'll change my mind on this, it will require very decisive unmistakable absolute proof that I will get my magic in order to make me bother continuing. and of course that's not going to happen, literally the only thing that would meet that criteria is just getting my magic entirely spontaneously. And of course that won't happen either. The only other thing I think could do it is if somehow, someway, despite having no ability to do anything I actually enjoy, I somehow find some value or joy in my deteriorating life that makes me want to stick around for it. I don't see that happening. So yeah, I am hoping the assisted suicide process doesn't take too long. Until then I'm going to squeeze what little value there is out of this worthless body and binge myself on whatever tiny joys I can find that it can actually do. Which really isn't much. But who knows, maybe something decent will come from it and I'll stick around. It's always possible, if only technically.