This was an experience that I didn't see coming, but my angel guides had apparently been planning as part of the start of my initiation proper. My previous two experiences hadn't taken me very far, and I didn't understand at the time ~ it just wasn't time yet. I wasn't ready, but I couldn't understand that then... over the past two months, I'd gone through a sudden and extremely severe period of depression. I had lost all sense of meaning ~ nothing seemed to have purpose. Oh, I have support workers helping me stay afloat, but that's all they could do for me, which, in retrospect, is what I needed.
Come last Sunday... oh dear. I had a last bit of Ayahuasca left, and my guides encouraged me to add the last of my Acacia Confusa admixture in ~ the whole portion that wasn't pure, solid sludge at the very bottom. I didn't think it would be very strong, honestly... but, ahaha, hindsight is supposedly 20-20?! That's a nice joke... but maybe that's how it need to be sometimes.
I take the brew, I go and sit and do my usual meditation mantra of calming, soothing, flowing, allowing my body and mind to fully accept everything and anything that might transpire ~ also, practically, to avoid vomiting because resistance always leads to that for me. If I don't resist, and just flow, I never vomit now. It's like there's just no need to when I can expel it energetically.
But... there's no replacement for the stomach, the bowels, the digestive system protesting every step of the way, gurgling, making me feel heavy and bloated and awful, as the mostly-Confusa brew ravages my repulsed insides. I feel like it's taking forever. I feel positively awful, despite feeling something in the back of my mind telling me that this is going to be very intense. I can feel something building like a tidal wave, but I cannot comprehend what could even be possibly coming. I just know that I feel really awful. I stumble out my chair, guided by my astral animal companions towards getting a drink of water. I'm feeling a bit loopy at this stage, and this was apparently just the start. I gulp down the water shakily, and go and sit back down.
At some point... I break through all at once, and everything happens extremely fast ~ my mind expands fully, burning with an extremely fierce spiritual energy. The sensation feels like I just broke through every single wall and barrier separating me from my soul. There was no separation, yet my ego still existed... but it hurt so damn badly. I wanted it to end, but... when you've gone to that level, there is nowhere left to run. You can only accept... but that took ages of resisting that which I could not resist, but only endure. Eventually, my astral companions guide me towards acceptance, acknowledgement, of that sheer essence.
What I thought was infinity was just my soul... fully comprehensible, yet part of me felt like it was wise to not look at it in detail, but just admire the whole as it was. A beautiful rainbow substance that I apparently was... I stayed there for a while, but then I was slowly guided back towards... this reality, to be shown and told that I needed to anchor myself, to find form, an identity, my identity, as incarnate-me.
Infinity is all nice and good... but then, if you have no form, you don't exist. Existing without an anchor became a scary concept, without a sense of self. I kept trying to hold onto that sense of self, to pull myself towards that anchor, then succeeding, then failing, in a rhythmic loop. I was being taught to ground myself, essentially, to define myself, to be myself through chosen definition.
During this, I was shown and told that this is the essence of existence ~ self-definition. There is everything, infinity, but it doesn't exist until it defines itself, and that requires limitation. Therefore, even infinity is a limitation of... nothing, emptiness, void. It is something, rather than nothing. The purpose was two-fold ~ to show that one can change, that one need not be defined by past preconceived ideas, that one can redefine themselves into a more fitting form, if one but becomes aware of the logic and ideas that one is stuck in.
The other is that existence itself is a beautiful dance of self-knowing ~ existence is infinite, therefore there are infinite forms of expression, because infinity can limit, and define, itself into any number of forms. As for... mind, consciousness ~ that is just in essence what we can tentatively define as the Soul. It is simply an aspect of infinite existence that defines itself. And so there can infinite such expressions, as anything and everything, as the Soul so chooses.
The tricky bit? Bridging that gap between that infinity... and all the way down here, a very, very, very limited form of existence. I got the impression that it simply... was. A vehicle for experience, just simply accepted by my Soul exactly as it is. I am aware that my Soul is purely aware of everything that I experience, without a single doubt. Indeed... I am simply a dissociated aspect of soul following whatever crazy plan I came here to put myself through, because it's fun or exciting or something. Yes, the pain, the suffering... from a soul-level, it was painful... but I understood that it was fun and exciting because of the outcomes ~ overcoming the pain and suffering has made me much stronger, because I have weathered the storm, and found myself battered and worn, but with a certain proof of strength.
And that's a strangely giddy feeling. My soul half-recklessly chose a difficult life, knowing it could probably pull it off, but the cost? Worth it. I'm... still me, albeit trying to find who I want to be now. It's not depression, but rather... where do I start the search? This broken western society is a maze and half... not exactly welcoming. But... if I could overcome my previous challenges, this too can be navigated. It's a storm... and I just have to make it through. Whatever the next port is I sail to.
Come last Sunday... oh dear. I had a last bit of Ayahuasca left, and my guides encouraged me to add the last of my Acacia Confusa admixture in ~ the whole portion that wasn't pure, solid sludge at the very bottom. I didn't think it would be very strong, honestly... but, ahaha, hindsight is supposedly 20-20?! That's a nice joke... but maybe that's how it need to be sometimes.
I take the brew, I go and sit and do my usual meditation mantra of calming, soothing, flowing, allowing my body and mind to fully accept everything and anything that might transpire ~ also, practically, to avoid vomiting because resistance always leads to that for me. If I don't resist, and just flow, I never vomit now. It's like there's just no need to when I can expel it energetically.
But... there's no replacement for the stomach, the bowels, the digestive system protesting every step of the way, gurgling, making me feel heavy and bloated and awful, as the mostly-Confusa brew ravages my repulsed insides. I feel like it's taking forever. I feel positively awful, despite feeling something in the back of my mind telling me that this is going to be very intense. I can feel something building like a tidal wave, but I cannot comprehend what could even be possibly coming. I just know that I feel really awful. I stumble out my chair, guided by my astral animal companions towards getting a drink of water. I'm feeling a bit loopy at this stage, and this was apparently just the start. I gulp down the water shakily, and go and sit back down.
At some point... I break through all at once, and everything happens extremely fast ~ my mind expands fully, burning with an extremely fierce spiritual energy. The sensation feels like I just broke through every single wall and barrier separating me from my soul. There was no separation, yet my ego still existed... but it hurt so damn badly. I wanted it to end, but... when you've gone to that level, there is nowhere left to run. You can only accept... but that took ages of resisting that which I could not resist, but only endure. Eventually, my astral companions guide me towards acceptance, acknowledgement, of that sheer essence.
What I thought was infinity was just my soul... fully comprehensible, yet part of me felt like it was wise to not look at it in detail, but just admire the whole as it was. A beautiful rainbow substance that I apparently was... I stayed there for a while, but then I was slowly guided back towards... this reality, to be shown and told that I needed to anchor myself, to find form, an identity, my identity, as incarnate-me.
Infinity is all nice and good... but then, if you have no form, you don't exist. Existing without an anchor became a scary concept, without a sense of self. I kept trying to hold onto that sense of self, to pull myself towards that anchor, then succeeding, then failing, in a rhythmic loop. I was being taught to ground myself, essentially, to define myself, to be myself through chosen definition.
During this, I was shown and told that this is the essence of existence ~ self-definition. There is everything, infinity, but it doesn't exist until it defines itself, and that requires limitation. Therefore, even infinity is a limitation of... nothing, emptiness, void. It is something, rather than nothing. The purpose was two-fold ~ to show that one can change, that one need not be defined by past preconceived ideas, that one can redefine themselves into a more fitting form, if one but becomes aware of the logic and ideas that one is stuck in.
The other is that existence itself is a beautiful dance of self-knowing ~ existence is infinite, therefore there are infinite forms of expression, because infinity can limit, and define, itself into any number of forms. As for... mind, consciousness ~ that is just in essence what we can tentatively define as the Soul. It is simply an aspect of infinite existence that defines itself. And so there can infinite such expressions, as anything and everything, as the Soul so chooses.
The tricky bit? Bridging that gap between that infinity... and all the way down here, a very, very, very limited form of existence. I got the impression that it simply... was. A vehicle for experience, just simply accepted by my Soul exactly as it is. I am aware that my Soul is purely aware of everything that I experience, without a single doubt. Indeed... I am simply a dissociated aspect of soul following whatever crazy plan I came here to put myself through, because it's fun or exciting or something. Yes, the pain, the suffering... from a soul-level, it was painful... but I understood that it was fun and exciting because of the outcomes ~ overcoming the pain and suffering has made me much stronger, because I have weathered the storm, and found myself battered and worn, but with a certain proof of strength.
And that's a strangely giddy feeling. My soul half-recklessly chose a difficult life, knowing it could probably pull it off, but the cost? Worth it. I'm... still me, albeit trying to find who I want to be now. It's not depression, but rather... where do I start the search? This broken western society is a maze and half... not exactly welcoming. But... if I could overcome my previous challenges, this too can be navigated. It's a storm... and I just have to make it through. Whatever the next port is I sail to.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
~ Carl Jung
~ Carl Jung
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