A Psilocybin initiation

This part of my journey has been stranger than I thought possible ~ as if I thought that it couldn't become more so, hahaha.

I had felt guided towards taking Psilocybin mushrooms after my last journey. I managed to acquire some after a bit of effort ~ but I didn't feel ready to take them, so I spent about 3 weeks working towards preparing myself mentally and physically, wanting it to be as productive as it could have been.

Come the day of the journey, I meditated, thought and focused on what I wanted to achieve. I ate a big meal for lunch, though not heavy, anticipating that I'd be ready by the evening. I was nervous, all the same...

Come 7pm, my guides wondered, why wait any longer? You're just prolonging the inevitable. Why not take them now? I made some tea with 5 grams of ground-up Penis Envy mushrooms, and some fresh chopped up ginger, pouring in water I'd brought to 80 degrees Celsius. After waiting about 15 minutes, I took the tea, and then made a second cup with the remaining grounds I hadn't swallowed ~ after 15 minutes had passed of sitting, meditating and waiting with trepidation, I was already feeling it beginning. I clumsily downed the second cup, and sat.

I meditated while I waited for it to kick in proper. I had a vision at some point of an... Indian goddess(?) in a darkened space, who spoke to me. I didn't understand the tongue, but I seemed to understand the intent. I calmly listened to her words, agreeing with her as I went. It seemed like she was asking me if I was ready, if I had the strength. I said that I was. Sensing that my mind couldn't handle the state for much longer, she beckoned me away, thanking me, though in the moment I didn't comprehend. Only now, thinking back on it, can I comprehend what actually happened... the deity was very wise and kind, but definitely not human, though in the veneer of one.

Next, I felt unfamiliar energies beginning to ramp up. I... panicked, and called for Mother Ayahuasca multiple times, feeling like I was in a foreign land without a guide. It was like I'd entered a different domain that I just didn't understand, and I... couldn't handle it. The... language, so to speak, was very foreign to me. I didn't know what anything meant, and felt very much out of my depth. An entity tried to help sooth and calm me, so I could progress beyond the threshold, but I simply... panicked and lost myself to that.

I had some sort of mental breakdown, where I went into a seeming full panic attack, hyperventilating, heartbeat racing. My angel guides looked over me with concern, as I panicked, helping to calm me down. It worked... but I had gone into full resistance mode, and wasn't able to cross the threshold into the Psilocybin realm. I had locked myself out, in unconscious fear and panic. The Psilocybin entities apparently tried to help me, but I had blocked them unconsciously, in fear I couldn't understand or control.

So I was stuck and frozen for the majority of the journey. Other entities I was familiar with did what they could to help me heal in the state I was in, but there was a limit, due to my resistance. I felt energies from beyond the threshold, but they just made me writhe in agony and pain, feeling far too overwhelming in intensity. Maybe it was fear... but I thought I was dying from the intensity, in combination with the sheer resistance I was unconsciously putting up all the while.

While I didn't break through... the wall of fear that paralyzed me is bright as day now. I must work through that wall before going back again. A day or so after the... half-journey, the entities that had tried to help me reached out and said that I'd done nothing wrong ~ the surge of panic was simply beyond my control, but at least I had been made aware of it. I felt like I hadn't achieved anything... but the entities seemed to think that I'd accomplished more than I thought.

A few days after the journey, I felt very wiped out, mentally exhausted, dull. But yesterday I felt better.

And then yesterday... I had the deity Vajrabhairava / Yamantaka reveal himself to me. He appeared with semi-clarity in my third eye, and spoke to me. He was fiery and powerful, energy-wise. I wondered at his nature ~ he is one who reveals peace with the purifying flames. Within his burning fire, I indeed felt a calm peace. Within that, I felt a fierce wisdom, befitting his nature. He had a piercing and powerful gaze, though kind and gentle at the same time. I felt like there might be some relation between him, and the female deity I met at the start of the journey.

I was told that he had been my protector for many lifetimes ~ and today, I felt curious enough to read up on him:

https://yamantaka.org/

In Vajrayana Buddhism, Vajrabhairava, also known as Yamantaka, is (1) a wrathful, buffalo-headed meditational deity (Tib: yi-dam) of the Highest Yoga Tantra class and/or (2) a dharma protector. Vajrabhairava is one of the principal three meditational deities of the Gelug school (Tib: gsang bde ‘jigs gsum; the others are Chakrasamvara and Guhyasamaja). He is also one of the main yidams in the Sakya school where he comes in a variety of appearances (with different mandalas). In both schools, Vajrabhairava is seen as the wrathful manifestation of Manjushri, the Buddha of wisdom. In the other schools of Tibetan Buddhsim, Yamantaka seems to be mostly revered as a protector. The (mostly secret and arcane) practices involve different activities for various purposes. There are also some Yamantaka terma revelations in the Nyingma and Kagyu schools. From amongst the many lineages of practice to enter Tibet, the main transmissions of Vajrabhairava were those of the two translators Ra Lotsawa and Mal Lotsawa. Although practiced early on in Tibet by the Sakya and Kagyu Traditions, it was Tsongkapa, founder of the Gelug Tradition, who instituted Vajrabhairava as the principal Gelugpa meditation practice.

Interesting...

In both schools, Vajrabhairava is seen as the wrathful manifestation of Manjushri, the Buddha of wisdom. In the other schools of Tibetan Buddhsim, Yamantaka seems to be mostly revered as a protector.

Very very interesting... as a few of my lives involved Tibetan Buddhism...

It's... not everyday you meet powerful entities that are venerated as deities... first, the Bird God, the Great Eagle, and now Vajrabhairava / Yamantaka... my teacher, White Eagle, seems to be their equal, also, curiously. But "deity" isn't a term they seem interested in ~ they simply seek to guide those that they have an interest in.