I've been browsing around the forum and I guess I've had a few of the same things on my mind so I figured I'd write this. One of my most major sticking points for anything to do with psi is the whole love and light, earth is a school, everything is love... thing. I don't actually think it's possible for anything to convince me otherwise since the whole idea of being involuntarily connected to or a part of anything is revolting. You could demonstrate to me that there's a god or a source and that I am indeed supposed to go down this narrow track of learning to love and whatever and I'd still reject it. The rest of my existence would be spent finding a way to remove myself from that thing and perhaps even destroying it entirely depending on what it is. There is something about it that I find so fundamentally disgusting that I just won't even humor the idea of it. And I've yet to find even a shred of evidence suggesting there's any reality to it anyways.
There's this one recurring dream element that all this reminded me of. It tends to go that I'm in a university somewhere and I have a bunch of classes to do. I don't like any of them but I show up anyways. Until I remember that I didn't sign up for any of these classes. Oh sure my name is in the registry, but I'm not the one who did the registering. Someone else enrolled me and also paid the fees. Once I remember that I just leave and go do whatever. Sometimes I go get something in the cafeteria or sometimes I just go home or chat with people. Meanwhile other people are freaking out that "oh my god you're gonna fail your classes" and reminding me about upcoming tests and whatnot. I tell them I don't care since I didn't sign up for any of this in the first place. Some people try to say that it's bad if I don't do my best even if someone else paid for it since I'd be wasting their money. I tell them that that's not my problem, it's their fault for enrolling me without my permission so that's what they get for being stupid.
I am immediately happier as soon as I drop out, all the stress of classes I couldn't care less about goes away as soon as I remember none of it even matters. Depending on the classes I'm registered for I sometimes stick around for a couple since they're subjects that actually interest me. There was one one time about marine biology where they had a very elaborate, very cool underground, underwater, pressurised lab where you could watch the various fish and stuff at their natural depths. It was also a bit creepy because of how mechanical and wet everything was.Sometimes made me wonder if all the maintenance had been done right with all the bits of water I'd find around. since if the giant window burst the foot thick steel airlock doors they lock behind you are going to make sure you die horribly.
But generally it's the same old story, it's only other people who have a problem with me not listening and obeying. Some other students tend to agree with my decision once they learn that it wasn't even me who enrolled myself. Thinking that whoever enrolled me like that must be a douchebag and very self entitled. I tend to think the same way about all the people who tell me I'm bad for not doing something I never even agreed to just because it might hurt some other persons feelings. Sometimes I let them know how hypocritical and narcissistic they're being when they tell me that, usually they get offended.
I know this dream recurs because it's generally how I feel about life here. I don't know the full context of why or how I incarnated. Some things suggest I did in fact choose to come down in some limited way. Others suggest that I had no choice in the matter at all. Others still suggest that I'm being deliberately held or imprisoned here by one or more people who generally don't like me because we were enemies in the past. Regardless of how I originally got here I have no interest in being here now and no one could justify to me any reason why I should care to stick around or care about some stupid lessons or whatever that other people think are important. Personally I have only one goal, get magic, everything else is irrelevant. After that who knows? Generally speaking I also want to go home to people that I'm hoping actually exist. But if they don't, well, I don't really know what I'd do, I know I'd be pretty crushed, but at least I'd have magic. I also think it would be great to teach magic to everyone else, since no one should have to be limited. People should have the opportunity to take their life completely into their own hands and be free of any dependence on an outside source for anything.
There is no lesson to be leaned in hopeless suffering and powerlessness other than power is all that matters. Power is in fact happiness, since power is choice. Teaching magic would be my ultimate revenge against reality since it would no longer restrict people arbitrarily. The most ambitious, determined people would gain the most power and freedom and the most lazy would be forever stuck at the bottom. Not because of how or where they were born. Not because of "the economy" not because of any factors outside their control, just because of them. Pure meritocracy, or at least as pure as it can probably get.
There's this one recurring dream element that all this reminded me of. It tends to go that I'm in a university somewhere and I have a bunch of classes to do. I don't like any of them but I show up anyways. Until I remember that I didn't sign up for any of these classes. Oh sure my name is in the registry, but I'm not the one who did the registering. Someone else enrolled me and also paid the fees. Once I remember that I just leave and go do whatever. Sometimes I go get something in the cafeteria or sometimes I just go home or chat with people. Meanwhile other people are freaking out that "oh my god you're gonna fail your classes" and reminding me about upcoming tests and whatnot. I tell them I don't care since I didn't sign up for any of this in the first place. Some people try to say that it's bad if I don't do my best even if someone else paid for it since I'd be wasting their money. I tell them that that's not my problem, it's their fault for enrolling me without my permission so that's what they get for being stupid.
I am immediately happier as soon as I drop out, all the stress of classes I couldn't care less about goes away as soon as I remember none of it even matters. Depending on the classes I'm registered for I sometimes stick around for a couple since they're subjects that actually interest me. There was one one time about marine biology where they had a very elaborate, very cool underground, underwater, pressurised lab where you could watch the various fish and stuff at their natural depths. It was also a bit creepy because of how mechanical and wet everything was.Sometimes made me wonder if all the maintenance had been done right with all the bits of water I'd find around. since if the giant window burst the foot thick steel airlock doors they lock behind you are going to make sure you die horribly.
But generally it's the same old story, it's only other people who have a problem with me not listening and obeying. Some other students tend to agree with my decision once they learn that it wasn't even me who enrolled myself. Thinking that whoever enrolled me like that must be a douchebag and very self entitled. I tend to think the same way about all the people who tell me I'm bad for not doing something I never even agreed to just because it might hurt some other persons feelings. Sometimes I let them know how hypocritical and narcissistic they're being when they tell me that, usually they get offended.
I know this dream recurs because it's generally how I feel about life here. I don't know the full context of why or how I incarnated. Some things suggest I did in fact choose to come down in some limited way. Others suggest that I had no choice in the matter at all. Others still suggest that I'm being deliberately held or imprisoned here by one or more people who generally don't like me because we were enemies in the past. Regardless of how I originally got here I have no interest in being here now and no one could justify to me any reason why I should care to stick around or care about some stupid lessons or whatever that other people think are important. Personally I have only one goal, get magic, everything else is irrelevant. After that who knows? Generally speaking I also want to go home to people that I'm hoping actually exist. But if they don't, well, I don't really know what I'd do, I know I'd be pretty crushed, but at least I'd have magic. I also think it would be great to teach magic to everyone else, since no one should have to be limited. People should have the opportunity to take their life completely into their own hands and be free of any dependence on an outside source for anything.
There is no lesson to be leaned in hopeless suffering and powerlessness other than power is all that matters. Power is in fact happiness, since power is choice. Teaching magic would be my ultimate revenge against reality since it would no longer restrict people arbitrarily. The most ambitious, determined people would gain the most power and freedom and the most lazy would be forever stuck at the bottom. Not because of how or where they were born. Not because of "the economy" not because of any factors outside their control, just because of them. Pure meritocracy, or at least as pure as it can probably get.
"The cure for bad information is more information."