Late autism diagnosis: it’s a relief, but who’s behind the mask?

Late autism diagnosis: it’s a relief, but who’s behind the mask?

Leonie Mercedes

People diagnosed as adults commonly have been masking for most of their lives. That is, they’ve been hiding parts of themselves to fit in with a neurotypical majority, essentially performing another identity, both consciously and unconsciously. Masking involves projecting ‘an inauthentic version of you’, explains Amy Pearson, an autism researcher at Durham University in the United Kingdom. ‘This can include showing personality traits that aren’t part of your own personality, or using social communication strategies that you wouldn’t usually use, for example, making eye contact even if it makes you uncomfortable.’

Masking well requires constant vigilance, which can be exhausting. It means that, in any given social situation, you’re constantly monitoring how you move (am I too animated?), how you speak (is my delivery too flat?), and what you’re saying (does this sound too blunt?) to ensure it’s considered acceptable to others. Masking can also be remarkably effective, to the extent that the masker fools themselves. I abandoned pursuing an autism diagnosis in my late 20s after a doctor dismissed the possibility out of hand. I thought I must have been mistaken, and felt ashamed that I’d made such a fuss. It was only during the social isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic – when I no longer felt the energy crashes that I’d come to expect after a week of masking at the office – that I started slowly moving again toward the realisation that I am indeed autistic.