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Jokes, Humour & General Smartassness
Smartass kids in the classroom:

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:          Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:         Maria.
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?  
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
_____________________________________ _____  
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:        Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:      Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
_____ _____________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:         Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting wi th 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:           All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's  cherry tree, but also admitted it.    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.    
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:       No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :        No, sir.  It's the same dog.
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher  
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A midget psychic escaped from prison. 
The cops are now looking for; ´a small medium at large´
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says so why the long face?
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A string walks into a bar, orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don't serve strings here you'll have to leave.
The string goes outside and unravels his ends and twists himself up. Then walks back into the bar and orders a beer the bartender asks aren't you the string I just threw out of here. The string replies, no I'm a frayed knot.
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I perfect topic for bro's big brother, formal dining room set, types with fingers... .
Plato was discoursing on his theory of ideas and, pointing to the cups on the table before him, said while there are many cups in the world, there is only one `idea’ of a cup, and this cupness precedes the existence of all particular cups.

“I can see the cups on the table,” said Diogenes, “but I can’t see the `cupness'”.

“That’s because you have the eyes to see the cup,” said Plato, “but”, tapping his head with his forefinger, “you don’t have the intellect with which to comprehend `cupness’.”

Diogenes walked up to the table, examined a cup and, looking inside, asked, “Is it empty?”

Plato nodded.

“Where is the `emptiness’ which precedes this empty cup?” asked Diogenes.

Plato allowed himself a few moments to collect his thoughts, but Diogenes reached over and, tapping Plato’s head with his finger, said “I think you will find here is the `emptiness’.

"Life is a pure flame, and we live by an invisible Sun within us."

  -Thomas Browne
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The sudden mood-swings of polar bears are rapid...

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Not true, as per Snopes, but still gives me a chuckle:

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
"Life is a pure flame, and we live by an invisible Sun within us."

  -Thomas Browne
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