Mediochre and Dreamsoap's Story

Dreamsoap and I thought we would do a big megathread where we each give our personal takes on our stories. My version will be posted here and hers will be posted in the first reply. We will edit in new information as we post it. I don't think either of us expect anyone to take what we say seriously or believe it at all. We welcome comments, questions and even some criticism. We are well aware of how crazy some of it sounds and are not out to prove anything. Remember that your logic applies to your arguments as well.


Hopefully this isn't too rambly.

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When I was a kid I used to have constant nightmares. Not night terrors, full on nightmares. My strategy for dealing with them was simply to run. Sometimes I made it and sometimes I didn't. I even developed the ability to wake myself up from lucid dreams as a means of escape. But eventually I got really hopeless and depressed. I got tired of running. I felt like I had no control over my dreams. The creatures decided what would happen, not me. So one time I decided "Fuck it" and ran straight towards a creature and attacked it. I figured it was at least a change of pace, this time I'd at least die slightly differently. But to my surprise I won.

I can't remember if I won the first time or if I died once or twice and then won another night. Either way I won. And it felt weird. I had never had a dream with nothing trying to chase and eat me before. I thought that dreams and nightmares were set as such at the start and couldn't be changed. But here I was in a now very not scary nightmare. I had to do more tests.

I managed to fight something else and win and I learned something incredible. Dreams and nightmares were not separate things. They were just different ways of seeing the same thing. Nightmares only felt like nightmares because I was scared. And I was only scared because I'd run away. But when I fought back I didn't feel scared, or at least not as scared. Sometimes I'd win and sometimes I'd lose. In the beginning the win loss ratio wasn't great. But I didn't care. If I fought and won I changed a nightmare into a dream. If I fought and lost at least I didn't feel as scared as a nightmare. I felt like I had control. I was the one deciding if I was having a dream or a nightmare. I couldn't have been more than 7 or 8 when I did this.

And so I got better at fighting. I started to get better at flying, I don't remember my exact thought process for how I learned everything. But I learned how to fly more precisely. I learned how to add extra force to punches and kicks. And I the learned how to form a ball of energy and throw it at people.

I started winning more than I was losing. I started having less nightmares until by about age 13 or so I stopped having them altogether. Not because things stopped attacking me but because I never felt scared enough to think it was a nightmare.

During the same time in waking life there was a huge amount of paranormal stuff going on that I'm amazed I never realized was paranormal. One of the most common, daily occurrences were scratches that would spontaneously appear on random parts of my body. Sometimes it was just one but often it looked like an animal had swiped it's whole paw at me. For some reason I never thought this was weird. It was just "oh it's another of those scratches again." they'd often happen when I was awake and slowly burn their way across a part of my body. It always hurt a lot and some of them bled. I grew up thinking that it was just a thing that happens when you're a kid. I have no idea why I never thought it was odd.

Other things even my family noticed. Things getting moved around the house. Lots of noises. At least once that I can remember we heard the back door open and close and shoes clatter around like someone had just come in and was taking their shoes off but when we'd go greet them no one was there. My family is not remotely into that stuff and even they admit things were happening at that house.

I used to see a lot of things too that I now realize were probably actually there. A lot of them were things that made me afraid to fall asleep. In hindsight maybe they were the things clawing at me and maybe they influenced the dreams too.

There is one dream in particular that always stands out to me simply because it wasn't a nightmare. In this dream a nice blonde lady played with me in my room. I had a bunch of toys strewn around and we were doing stuff with them.

Another important experience, I don't really know if it was a dream or not, was as darker skinned lady who was hugging me on her lap. She seemed really sad and I seemed to be able to pick up on her feelings. Her intent said that she knew "me" and felt like she was never going to see me again and this was her last chance to hold me like that. She specifically differentiated between "me" and "my body" in her mind.

She was scratching my chest lightly. I remember waking up with a big scratch mark that freaked my mom out but I felt really calm like everything was okay. Later on my mom claimed not to remember this but she isn't known for her memory.

When I first became conscious when I was 4 I found myself standing in a schoolyard at around maybe 5pm or later. My mom and sister were there. My sister was riding her bike in circles on the asphalt between the two basketball nets. The very first thing I did was say "so... you're my mom and you're my sister." while pointing at them accordingly because I apparently had to remind myself of who these people were "supposed" to be.

But I never felt like I fit in with my family and I brought this up with them constantly. Saying "I don't feel like I belong in this family." I had a constant overwhelming feeling like some mistake had been made or something and now there were these crazy people who thought they were my family. I've noticed that I've never stopped feeling this way. I have zero emotional connection to my family.

I used to get pulled into these trance like states where I seemed to be maybe more mature than the average 5 or 6 year old. Generally I'd hear things in this state, people would talk to me and I'd respond and then when I popped out of the state it was almost like it never happened. I'd remember it but I wouldn't think anything of it and in hindsight that's bizzare to me.

One time, probably when I was 6 but maybe 5 I went into one of these states and saw a shimmering box of light. It was a tall rectangle, maybe something like 2 feet by 1.5 feet maybe. Bluish white light. It had many undulating pvertical illars of light that made it up. I don't think the pillars were equal length, maybe taller in the middle a bit. But it was hard to tell because they wouldn't stop moving and rippling. The core of each pillar were pure white that transitioned to a dark blue at the edges. As it rippled this would shift. If I could see to draw I'd show you what I mean but I might be able to find some generic fantasy effect online that looks close enough.

Then a lady started talking to be from the lights. She said something along the lines of "Are you sure you want to do this? You don't have to, you know." she spoke very casually. I said yes and she said "Ok, then to help you we'll send you everything you've ever experienced." and then the lights fizzled out and I left the trance.

And thus began "the story." As soon as I exited the trance I was immediately hit with a tsunami of information. Images, sounds, feelings, everything. when she said "everything I've ever experienced" she wasn't joking. I relived entire lives in my mind at a rate of about one every 2-3 days or so from birth to death. Sometimes it was longer depending how long the lives were and what happened in them. I remember that I thought it would be very important to remember everything I was seeing and did my best to "re-scan" the memories. Just looping them in my mind so that they always stayed fresh. But it only took about 2 months before I started noticing holes, things that I'd previously known were now just voids that I couldn't remember anymore. I tried piecing these back together with some success but with so much information so fast that inevitably started to fail too.

After a surprisingly short period of time I started treating the flood of information as just my imagination. I suppose that was the "rational" response even if I was a kid. Especially given the content. but I wonder what things would've been like if I remained plugged in.

There's no way I can go through even what I do still remember since it would easily fill a few books but there's certain key periods that I think are important to cover. however for some I want to go into quite a lot of detail to the point that I wonder if I should make a separate thread.

I will say that the story gets very crazy very fast. I've mentioned on other threads how I had major trouble believing spirits that claim it's all true and you're going to see why.

-reserved-

When I was a kid I used to have constant nightmares. Not night terrors, full on nightmares. My strategy for dealing with them was simply to run. Sometimes I made it and sometimes I didn't. I even developed the ability to wake myself up from lucid dreams as a means of escape. But eventually I got really hopeless and depressed. I got tired of running. I felt like I had no control over my dreams. The creatures decided what would happen, not me. So one time I decided "Fuck it" and ran straight towards a creature and attacked it. I figured it was at least a change of pace, this time I'd at least die slightly differently. But to my surprise I won.

Does that mean that initially in the nightmares you dreamed that you had been killed (when you didn't run fast enough)?

I don't know about other people, but I can't remember ever having dreamed that I was killed, and I can't imagine what that would be like.

Does that mean that initially in the nightmares you dreamed that you had been killed (when you didn't run fast enough)?

I don't know about other people, but I can't remember ever having dreamed that I was killed, and I can't imagine what that would be like.

Just for personal experience, I've died a few times in my dreams. It's interesting because you black out and then just wake up in a new one.

Does that mean that initially in the nightmares you dreamed that you had been killed (when you didn't run fast enough)?

I don't know about other people, but I can't remember ever having dreamed that I was killed, and I can't imagine what that would be like.

Yeah I'd die. When the body would take enough damage I'd just sort of black out, sometimes wake up and sometimes I'd shift to another dream. I don't know if it corresponded to the amount of damage a real body would need before going unconscious or dying. But dying is the only way I can think of describing it.

Over time I got used to the whole process though and for the most part it no longer phased me. I know that was part of why I got better at defending myself because I didn't have the fear holding me back as much, so I could think and act more clearly.

Does that mean that initially in the nightmares you dreamed that you had been killed (when you didn't run fast enough)?

I don't know about other people, but I can't remember ever having dreamed that I was killed, and I can't imagine what that would be like.

I've died lots of times. With different types of things happening in each case.

Does that mean that initially in the nightmares you dreamed that you had been killed (when you didn't run fast enough)?

I don't know about other people, but I can't remember ever having dreamed that I was killed, and I can't imagine what that would be like.

To answer personally, I have died a few times in my dreams. It was not common, but I used to a lot of nightmares that were quite vivid ones as well as ones that were spontaneous lucid dreams.

But to address the dying thing  specifically  -- yes, I experienced that a lot -- but without digging up dream journals, there are two that really stood out in my memory. The first, I can't remember the circumstance(s), but I was being lead to a guillotine. It was very real. I remember them  putting my head down, and I could hear the blade falling, and then there was blackness. I felt no pain, and I woke up, but felt fear and was pretty shaken up.

The second dream that sticks out to me, which was much later after the guillotine dream,  I dreamt I was in a parking lot. I was grabbed by a man (presumably a serial killer), who beat me to death, and I saw my body being stuffed into a car trunk (or boot). Once again everything went dark, but then I found myself in a waiting room, which looked very much like a doctor's waiting room. I was all freaked out over being murdered, but my mother was there. (She is still alive, by the way.) And she both comforted me and blamed for being murdered randomly in a parking lot.

Definitely one of the more bizarre dreams I've had. 

But yeah, I think a lot of people experience something like that. Maybe it's just not your turn to have that dream?   Because it's pretty damn unpleasant!

I once had a dream in which I died. I don't remember a lot of it, but someone shot me in the stomach! I knew for an instant it was going to happen, and then everything seemed to implode towards a single point!

This was not so long ago, and I remember wondering if I would go into an NDE, but then I woke up in bed without disturbing my partner.

David

I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to any of the replies here, I was focusing on other things and then I think I forgot about them. I’ve been mulling over whether or not I want to write the rest of this story. I have 4 other threads half completed on my computer that I’ve stalled on for the same reason. I want to go into my specific methods that I’ve developed for training magic and various experiments, but I want to provide the context for how I came to the conclusions I came to. But in order to do that I have to tell the stories of what happened and those stories are pretty fantastical in a lot of cases. Even though I know, and in some cases Dreamsoap knows, they happened almost verbatim as described. But that’s quite the claim to make.

This goes double for the past life story. It’s the foundation of all my research since all I’m doing is following my alleged old footsteps to see if they really lead anywhere. So far the answer keeps being yes, which makes me think that the past life story is legitimate. But I need to provide the context, which means telling the story, which gets really crazy. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell any of these stories, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to put them on the internet in a way that would inevitably be tracked back to me in the real world. But I don’t think I can give accurate context if I strip them down to a “safe” level. I’m trying to balance my desire to teach people what I know and hopefully even get some data back from them on their own training to see if there’s commonalities and my desire to not shoot myself in the foot and cut all this short. I’m not really sure what the likelihood is that anything bad would happen even if I said all of it and it was tracked back to me. I figure it ranges between just being thought of as another dumb spiritualist who thinks they know things and being made homeless and/or dead through ostracisation.

Normally I wouldn’t really care about that sort of risk but I have set my life goal to get magic, physically, while still alive in this body so that I can prove, if only to myself, that there is no context where you are ever truly limited. That willpower can overcome anything and that limitations are always at best, in your mind, and at worst, temporary or conditional.

I really don’t know how to deal with all of that right now, In the past it caused me to completely shut down all social activities and basically become a hermit working on magic in isolation so that one day I could emerge and demonstrate it and justify the stories. It caused me to almost leave Skeptiko in the past and provided a chunk of the emotional fuel that allowed me to, temporarily, leave my body on May 1, 2017. Which is one of the experiences I have mostly written up that I don’t know if I should finish. I thought back to when I posted the Dead Space Dream and how crazy it was. And that despite knowing firsthand that what I wrote was accurate to the best of my knowledge it’s still just a fantastical story to others. I don’t blame people for seeing it that way. And I thought, do I really want to put more stories out there that are arguably more ridiculous than this? One of my biggest stresses is that I want to talk about all of this because it’s shit that I had to go through whether I liked it or not. I take some pride in the fact that I’ve made it through thus far. But I can’t talk about it because it’s crazy. I’ve been plugging away at magic continuously, waiting for the day that It will all click. Then I wouldn’t care how people saw the stories because I’d have magic to back up my craziness. But that just hasn’t happened yet, I keep getting closer and closer but so far that’s all. It’s certainly trending towards activation and keeps threatrening to do so, but it just hasn’t yet.

I don’t want to be on this forum doing nothing. I want to contribute, and so far I’ve not been doing that. But I don’t really know if I can, or if it’s a good idea to. Also, Dreamsoap is pretty busy with school and might've got a bit turned off by certain things on the forum at one point. As far as I know she intends to come back. She says she mainly wants to tell the story of how her and I met which was where this thread came from in the first place. I was originally going to wait until she wrote up her first section here before continuing mine but that’s not going to happen for a least another few months if at all.